Looking back... Gazing forward

Hah... 2009... it's gonna be over soon... A lot of things happened this year... And boy, time does fly fast... It keeps flying and flying and before you know it... it's gonna be 2010... Too many things happened this year... Too many... I can't even keep track and reflect like I always do... But nevertheless, 2010 will be a new year... A new beginning and also a new me... Stronger, wiser i hope to be...

Highlights of this year? There were plenty... NS... College... Just too many... But like we always say... No time to look back... Just time for us to look what's ahead and move on... Moving and moving till when the time finally comes... The time for us to stop... I guess, i stopped my tracks for a while but after that I am ready to go again... Each fall had took me to newer heights which is something I very much appreciate.... Regrets? I had a few this year... Hah... Who doesn't? Nah... I am not a guy who likes to have regrets... Too frustrating if you have to keep thinking about it... The best thing is... to think that at that time, that was the only option, the only choice and the best i could do... That way, I can cut down on regrets... but neways, it's hard to ignore sometimes...



Everybody's got a secret or two... I have too... Ya... Ok... Not so much of a secret anymore... but hey, at least, we can keep dreaming about this secret... Maybe one day it will come true... Haha~!


I am guessing, when June 2010 comes, tears will be very much flowing... People will be flocking to kampar... And those of us who are smart enough to remain in that factory lot will still be here... No doubt, we will miss them but life goes on eh? They will return... We will meet them again... In the mean time, we do what we have to do... TO keep fighting... Keep achieving... Keep surviving...



And yet, people grow a little wiser and a little stronger each passing day... Sometimes, there's no point in looking back really... But those things in the past are what make people grow... I don't really understand the concept of it but as they say, no success is achieved without failure... Well... Looking back... I did learnt things I wouldn't have otherwise should I not fall...


2009 was full of emotions... Full of excitements... but I believe 2010... will be full of hope... full of joy and full of promise... Looking back, there's not much I could do... Gazing forward... there's so much I can be... 2010... Here I come...


Happy New Year peeps... XD ... 新年快乐！！

Christmas isn't Christmas...

Christmas isn't Christmas if it isn't spent with the people you love... Christmas... Isn't Christmas if it isn't about giving love... Christmas isn't Christmas if it doesn't happen in your heart... Christmas isn't Christmas if you do not know Jesus... Because without Him, there will be no Christmas~...

hehehee~! The happiest time in my life every year, is now~! Is Christmas~! This is the time where we can celebrate the love of God~! And also the wonders of giving... Wow... This year... A lot of things changed... A lot of things happened... But hey~! God never ever changed... He was the same God... He is the same God and He will always be my beloved Lord~!

Wishlist this year thus far (random order):

1) New belt - completed
2) New sport shoes - completed
3) New wallet - completed
4) See more, listen more, know more - won't be done till I die
5) Best friends, good friends, just friends... love 'em more and more - ongoing process
6) Family, the best people God blessed me with... Spend more time with you~ - learning how to~
7) Love more, give more, help more - in progress
8) Serve Him more, spend more time with Him - a never-ending process which I love a lot...

Whatever it is... only the first 3 can be completed... but the others, they remain the same every year... Every Christmas... Cos those things are the things that last... And I do want them to last... Smile smile and keep smiling people~! Fill up the world with smiles and Christmas... can be Christmas every day of the year... Love you people~! Merry merry Christmas and have a great one~!

Friends...

Forget about ASSignmentigsm... It's delayed... I pretty much hate today.... Real hate.. Started off brightly and it's gonna end ugly... I am not telling why... And if i don't write this, don't think I can continue with my assignments...

Friends... I don't know how to put it in words... Besides God and family, friends are the most important people to me... They helped me, they cried for me, they laughed with me... They are the best people who God has ever blessed me with... I love them a lot... Even to the extend that I would die for them... If friends have problem, I will entertain them first then only continue with my own problems... If I don't have these people around me, I would have been a lunatic maniac in Tanjung Rambutan a long time ago...


Hence, I detest people who try to hurt my friends... In any way... Whether physically or emotionally... I hate people who try to break my friends' bond. I despise people who take for granted of their friends... I am angry of people who starts a friendship only to end it in a stupid way, because of stupid reasons... I am sick of people who call themselves as friend but take advantage and talk bad about their friends behind their back... I hate these people... People who want something back from their friends...


I love my friends... Even those who are new... They are my friends and I accept who they are... Their personality and everything... Even if they can be annoying at times... I love them for who they are... They won't be themselves if you want them to change... OK... Maybe bad habits should be constantly nag but other than that... I wouldn't want them to change...


I would do anything to make them happy... Call me stupid, foolish, anything... But I don't want them to get hurt... I want them to smile, to laugh... Everyday... That's why I act stupid... That's why I love telling lame jokes... because if that's what makes smiles appear... I would do it without shame...


Friends... hope you will understand... That it's easy to find a friend but difficult to keep one...

ASSignmentigsm

ASSignmentigsm... What's that? Wait for it... updating in a few days time..

Joe Cheah

Mr Joe Cheah.... Hmm... 21 years old this year... THE definition of a fine young man and a good brother and son. A very good friend, my favourite cousin and best of all... God's blessed child. I can tell you that he's a handsome young man and like my uncle said... " A low maintenance son"... He's cincai but stylish... He's got smile to die for(seriously...) and a very considerate guy... And and and... according to his parents (i believe it too), he calls home to tell where he is, who he is with and what time he is going home... Wah... I tell you wei, this kind of guy... Extinct d wei... So ladies?? WHAT are you waiting for??? haha~! Jk Jk..

I didn't get the chance to tribute(if that's the right word...) you in your party... So here's it...

Joe Cheah, I envy you... Haha~! Seriously... You are one in a million... And secretly.. Lolz... Haha~! Never told anyone, you are my favourite cousin and also someone who inspires me... Ok la... You are someone I really look up to... For one point in my life, when I first believed in Christ, I actually tried to be you.. But can never be you la... haha~! Cos we are two totally different people... But whenever troubles come, I would always remember you... And think, what would you do if you were in the same situation... I will always remember the crazy times we had and also the dude-to-dude talks... Haha~! They helped alot... OK... Before I sound too gay... I love you, man... For being my good friend, cousin and brother in Christ~!

So much to do, so much to see

wow... it's half way through the sem already! haiz... haven't got much time to update tho... very busy lately but all's going well... There's still so much to do.... So much to see... Hopefully, this will be a very good sem... Back for more, next time... very short post today...


p.s. planning something BIG... hopefully it works... haha

When you feel that you know God...

Sometimes God is just too much for us too define... Sometimes we think we know God but in fact we don't... Sometimes we feel that God's ways are hard but actually they are meant for our own good... Sometimes we feel God let us down but in reality, who's the one who let God down most?

I went to the KGH camp last few days... I had many many wonderful memories there... Learnt many things there as well... Perhaps it was a very good wake up call for me... Cos I've been drifting away too much I am afraid... But in any case, I am grateful and thankful for all goodness and blessings that God has given me... I will always remember this camp.. I will always remember the people... I hope... I will have the chance to meet them again... what am i saying?? For sure I will!!! Haha!!


You know, Michael williams (the speaker of the camp) taught us a lot of things. I never knew that I was so ignorant and foolish... But now I know... That God... is so much more that I had defined Him as... He is so much more than what I think He is... He is the great "I AM"... The Almighty Lord... My Father, My Saviour... You know, all this while, we have been defining God in a manner that God is confined within our definition... Now wouldn't that make us God? Because we are able to define God... No... It's not the case... This just shows how foolish we are... Because when you feel you know God... You actually don't know Him...


We are put in this world to know Him... To learn about Him... It's a continuos process... A very long race... I hope I can finish this race and hear Him say, "Well done, My child, you've finished your race.." Lord, I love You...

When somebody becomes everybody...

You know... The trip back to that place was very unhappy at first... When you are a failure and you are gonna face your worst failings again... How would you feel? That's my feeling... Very bad... Very sad... That's why I chose to camp out at first... I know I may sound stupid but it's hard to face it all... Again and again... Especially places where our memories lie... Places where the smiles light up the whole town... Oh well... Life's like that huh? Things can be there for one minute and gone the other... In the end, I ended up caught by her and was erm... persuaded would be nice word... to stay in her aunt's house...

The first day was a bad day... I heard her going out of the house at 6... I couldn't sleep that night... Sad I guess... Still unable to digest everything that had happened... somehow... I was hoping that she would enter the room... To wake me up just like old times... But it remained a hope... A vain hope... Things are different now... Very much different... I get out of bed after she left and talked with her aunt's dog... (yes... I was THAT depressed but I love Ah Boy(the dog)... Very much... The best dog I ever seen in my life...) He was caring... In a way... I patted him softly and brushed his fur... He lie down still... Ears down, as if he was feeling how I feel... And I told him, "Ah boy... Could be the last time here d... Take care of your master ya? And also her... Be a good boy ya?"... And I went back into my room for some sleep.... That morning, she arranged breakfast for me with bro D... We talked a lot and he told me this... "Don't simply make promises.Even the Bible says that the person who simply makes promises is a fool." I was stunned to say the least... Cos, I just realized I made many promises and was unable to fulfill them...


Then it was time for YF... He was there... He was sharing today... Sorry to say but I felt nothing... He was invisible... I don't even want to look at him. She was his translator for that day... They make a good team... I thought... But I really couldn't look at them for even one second... Hurt, disgusted, depressed, hatred... All filled my heart... I kept praying that God will set me free... That God will give me an open heart to accept all of this... That night... I thought a lot again... After seeing her... Well, at least... She is not under pressure in her relationship... At least not like when she was with me... Always pressured by my selfishness... At least it's ok... She is with a more matured man... She was tired that night... And I told her to sleep early... For the very last time... I gave a kiss on her forehead...


Sunday morning... It was gloomy... I brewed coffee for the two of us... I think... It might be the last time too... Drinking coffee together... After service, I joined the church meeting for a while, then sneaked out to yam cha with her before I head back to PJ... She brought him along... Am fine with it... They discussed about her mom's birthday plans... Am fine with it as well... I envy them... Haha! Good life I guess...But deep down... I could see... They are under persecution by many... Hope they can last... Hope the people who are persecuting them now can see their sincerity in each other... We had a heated discussion about the church... Something I don't think I can or want to reveal... Before I left, I asked whether he was going for the camp... She said yes... I was stunned to say the least but am fine... Why was I stunned? Well... It all comes back to promise... We were suppose to watch the stars together there... Well, at least one last time... I prayed for my midterms to not be on Week 7 which is the week for the camp and God answered the prayer... No assignments were even due that week... And I will be honest... I am skipping classes for this as well... So... In the end... This happened... Alone watching the stars I guess... But she has a reason... And God has His reasons... I see it now... God wants me to go to the camp to serve Him and win souls for Him and not to please someone...



On my way back here in PJ.. I decided that it was time... To let go... Really let go... It has been a hard journey but I am not with her now... But I know... GOd will take care of her... Surely, He will love her more than I do... I wouldn't say that I do not love her now... I still do but to let go is to love sometimes...And from now on, my memoirs of smile will not of somebody's lovely smile. But will be of everybody's... One thing I learned is that it takes a person's smile to light up my heart but it takes everybody's smile to light up my world... Now, I just don't wish that my world is revolved around just one person... But to every person I know, I love and I care... Even to those I just met... I want my world to be revolved around them... It takes one person paint a colour but it takes everybody to paint a rainbow... And they are my rainbow...


I don't want to just keep remembering somebody's smile... I want to keep remembering everybody's smile... From mama's to papa's to my uncles' and aunties' and couzies'... From Adrian's, to Kun's and Andrew's, to Esther jie's to Jia Yi's to Yinfy's and to the whole of UTAR friends... From old friends back in Taiping and not-so-new friends in Kampar, to my CF members and to new and coming soon friends... Their smiles... Will be the source of my smile... Thanks guys and girls... I really appreciate you all.... hence... Memoirs of Everybody's Lovely Smiles...


p.s Will pray for a better life for you and him ya? Don't worry too much... God will take care of His church, His people and His works... Be passionate about everything you do... Bye...

Isaiah out...

wondered why I changed the title of my blog??? Will tell you soon!

And she said to the stranger...

And the stranger lost in the sea of thought,
Thought of being a stranger in his home,
And she came to the stranger with a loving smile,
The hand she took and held on tight.


He looked at her confused and puzzled,
She looked back in his eyes, hard but warm,
He said, " I am just another stranger in this land,
Who am I to you?"

And she said to the stranger,
"You are someone important,
Though a stranger you think you are,
but welcome you, I have."

He said to her,
"But life is nothing without you,
Meaningless, cold and dark,
I am sorry for the things past,
But can we be lost in love again?"

And she said to the stranger,
"No... We cannot...
But deep down here where our memories' sanctuary lie
Our love burns brighter than ever,
You are not a stranger in this home."

He said,
"And can I still see that smile?
When I come back here,
Even if we can't be,
Will you be happy?"

She said,
"Yes, my darling, this smile shall never leave your heart,
Yes, dear, that I will be happy but promise me...
That you will forget me...
And all things shall be better for you..."

He said
"Lie not, my dearest..
Your smile shall be in my dreams day and night...
But how can I forget you?
You whom I love..."

She said,
"Then live to be happy,
To cherish every moment you have with people you love,
Live to tell the world of our love...
Oh you whom I love too..."

He said,
"Should I come back to this home,
Just to see that smile again?
Could I just be here, to watch you from afar?
To be your silent guardian angel?"


And she looked into the hazel brown eyes of the stranger,
As he held her tight in his arms for one last time,
They sang the song they love,
Before he returns to be a stranger in this home...

A Stranger in His Home...

A month long since,
A tad too long it seems,
The distance grew,
Fading away in memory, his home...


Up in the sky as he look,
Stars and moon alike,
Accompany him they seem to be,
And how wonderful the sight be...


He glances to his home,
From a far away place,
Unable to set foot in,
Embarrassment and regret haunt his dreams...


As he looks around in darkness,
And clutches his bag pack tight,
He is found lost in the sea,
In the thought of being a stranger in his home...


And memories passed him by,
His tears streamed down,
His soft moan heard not,
Forgive himself, he cannot.


As the chilly wind of the night blows,
He was kept cool,
In a land he once called home...
But now he is just another stranger unable to go home...

And the adventure begins...

There's gonna be a big adventure tomorrow night!! Haha!! A bit excited and scared as well, cos I haven't been doing that for a long time... What is the adventure you say? Well, not something I can tell you now lest somebody knows... Hehe! Well, I feel a bit guilty for making other people lie to somebody... Sorry about that ya? But you know what they say, a lil white lie won't hurt... Lolz... Neways, it's gonna be stars and moon for me... The only problem is... I need a place to bath... Hmm... Public toilet? Don't know la... We'll see how things work out...

Of Midterm, Assignments and Super Appetite...

Darn it, darn it, darn it, darn it, darn it........................................ Midterm is coming!! Assignments are pending!! Super appetite is back! Sh*t... I hate this period of time... It's one of my worst nightmares and guess what? Uni life... 4 more years to go, man... So what's left now is my hair falling in a tremendous rate and also the emo face for others to look at... Ya ya ya ya... I know.. COntrol emo... ya... I know... Control... I AM CONTROLLING..................... Erm... Ok... Maybe you can help me to control by tying my hands to my back and taping my mouth (ask Adrian and my housemates why...)...


This morning I drank Neslo (Nescafe+Milo) and I got hyper in sociology class..Sorry Adrian and Loong Kun cos I kept singing "I'm a believer"... Sorry... but I love that song a lot! Haha!! Haiz... hope this worse period of time will be over fast!!!!!!

And by the way... WE are doing shooting today! For a new horror movie for our press conference... Lol... First time doing that kind of genre... Yiing Yi have to stay at Susanna's earlier than usual today... Have to rush everything over... Hoping for rainless 4 days... Let's pray for it man! Haha!! Happy shooting vid today guys and girls!! And Yiing Yi... Welcome to the crazy family of sec 17... lolz...


Isaiah out...

2012- From a Christian's Perspective

By now, I guess most people had already watched 2012... Ok, it's a good movie with some cliches here and there but take a closer look, it has very biblical references to it rather than the rubbish Mayan predictions. Sure enough, there were some scientific stuff at the beginning of the movie, with you know, the sun had an explosion with particles, reaching the earth, heating up the core blah blah blah... Kinna puts you to sleep at the front tho the idea of underground water heating up by microwaves is scary... Anyway, moving on... Previous post was more to the emotional side so now... Let's look at it in a different view, shall we? Lolz... Do I even sound professional? Ok... SS moment there...


Now first of all, let's look at the destruction of the cities which you must notice they literally crumble down. There's massive earthquake, the earth blew up into puffs of smoke, ash clouds.. blah blah blah... It's all from the Bible... Well not all of them... But here's the scripture that says so...

" ¹²I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red, ¹³and the stars in the sky fell to earth, as late figs drop from a fig tree when shaken by a strong wind. ¹⁴The sky receded like a scroll, rolling up, and every mountain and island was removed from its place." -Revelation 6:12-14...


There you have it... And remember the they build the arcs in Tibet at Mount Everest? Here's another scripture about it...

^"15Then the kings of the earth, the princes, the generals, the rich, the mighty, and every slave and every free man hid in caves and among the rocks of the mountains. ¹⁶They called to the mountains and the rocks, "Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb!" -Revelation 6:15-16

While they build the arc in the cave instead of hiding inside... Remember when the waves came and hit them? Initially, I thought they will set sail and instead, they were anchored to the mountain which well to me, translated to hiding... Get my point?


And the ash clouds... That was nasty ain't it? Pity the president... I like him alot but being crushed by the waves and USS John Kennedy is too cruel a way to die, don't you think so? Here's another scripture about the ash clouds... Didn't say anything about the President dying tho.. Lolz...

^"1The fifth angel sounded his trumpet, and I saw a star that had fallen from the sky to the earth. The star was given the key to the shaft of the Abyss. ²When he opened the Abyss, smoke rose from it like the smoke from a gigantic furnace. The sun and sky were darkened by the smoke from the Abyss." - Revelation 9:1-2 -

Erm, surprised yet? No? Well... There are other parts... Hold on... Hmmm... Oh... Remember the amount of people that we saved? Hmm... not that much right?

^"18A third of mankind was killed by the three plagues of fire, smoke and sulfur that came out of their mouths." -Revelation 9:18-

You gotta read the whole of chapter 9 to really know what's going on... This verse is just to prove that most of 2012 is based on the Bible... And the earthquakes.. Yupz.. In the Bible too...

^"18Then there came flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder and a severe earthquake. No earthquake like it has ever occurred since man has been on earth, so tremendous was the quake. ¹⁹The great city split into three parts, and the cities of the nations collapsed. God remembered Babylon the Great and gave her the cup filled with the wine of the fury of his wrath. ²⁰Every island fled away and the mountains could not be found. ²¹From the sky huge hailstones of about a hundred pounds each fell upon men. And they cursed God on account of the plague of hail, because the plague was so terrible." -Revelation 16:18-21-

All too familiar eh? Haha! and the arcs that they built was exactly like the one that God asked Noah to build... Here's the prove:

^"14 So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. ¹⁵ This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. ¹⁶ Make a roof for it and finish the ark to within 18 inches of the top. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks." -Genesis 6:14-16-

I am not sure if these convince you but they are all true.. But hey, rest assured that the Earth won't be flooded like in 2012 cos God had already said He won't do that again. You know, the movie actually taught us Christians a lot of things... That no matter how much we pray adversities will still be there... Ok, it may seem not fair but hey... Did God ever promised us an easy road ahead? No... Cos when Adam sinned, everything was has become guilty... Satan was given the authority to rule over the Earth and thus life will never be easy at the end... To unbelievers, they might think that what's the use of believing when there are still problems... But to us, we should know why... And I think that it's important that we show them why...


It's a question that we must ask ourselves... What have we done for the Lord here when apocalypse really comes? The signs are there for us to see... Sometimes, we are just too ignorant of that fact but I think the movie is really a good and timely reminder for us... And if 2012 is real, that will be just 3 years from now... So... 3 years from now, where do you stand for the Lord? Will you be afraid of the end of days when it comes? The answers are better kept to yourselves... And remember... God will never leave us nor forsake us... So... The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?


2012-From a Christian's Perspective... well more to proving the movie is from the Bible la... haha!


Isaiah out...

2012

After watching the highly anticipated movie... It really makes you think about life... How fragile life is... Also teach us about humanity... How selfish can one become in tight situations... But the movie also taught me that, one can also become selfless... Can also learn to love... To appreciate... the people around me.....

From the movie... I also learnt that... Nothing lasts for a lifetime... except of course God... He is the eternal God.. But we, humans, and all things on this earth... Nothing lasts... We will all return to the soil one day... This earth will belong to God once again...


How quickly I realised that I need to appreciate the people around me... How I need to stop getting myself into depression and out again... How I need to halt this endless cycle of confusion... How the sadness in my heart is triggered again and I finally let it all out when I finally get back into this cage... It feels... Light now.. So relieved... The burdens are still here and be assured that they will still be upon this tired shoulders for the rest of my life... Carry it I must and I know God will help me through this... And how I want to thank the people who helped me alot... Should I list them down? Lolz... Yea... I should...

1. Dawn Jie
2. Esther Jie
3. Paul
4. Adrian
5. Yinfy
6. Jia Yi
7. Cheong Keen
8. Derk
9. Shirley
10. Kun
11. Yiing Yi
12. Miki (Eugine)
13. Ishii
14. Selina
15. In Ru
16. Joey
17. Tracy
18. Hue Ying
19. Cheng Kai
20. See Pin Jie
21. Raymond
22. Sarah Hor
Last but not least...
23. My lovely lil mui mui Joanne...

Some helped in large ways and others in tiny lil ways... But I appreciate it all..They bright up my life... They filled it with colours. They pulled me up when I have fallen... They hit me on the face when I am disillusion... They hugged me when I am feeling blue... They make me laugh when I lost my smile... They lent me their shoulders when I am tired and they love me without wanting anything back... And you know what? I love them too... And sometimes I would wonder how will I ever survive this without them...


You know... If the world is to really end today.. There's only one thing I want to do now... That smile... I want to see it again... I'll be praying that I can... No tears... Just that smile...No words... Just that smile... Nothing else... Just that smile....

Fulfilling promises

Sometimes, I wonder why God created such a thing called promise... It's... So hard to fulfill them, yet so easy to make one... I talked to a friend yesterday... He asked me if I am still gonna attend the event... I said yes... And he asked why... "I made a promise and I intend to fulfill it.."... You know what he said? He said well, indirectly, that I am a fool... And that somebody is someone who expects people to keep their promises but not hers... I am sorry but I beg to differ... I knew that she meant every word she said when we were together... I know that when she says those three words, she means it... Yes, you may think that I am an idiot... But I never regretted... Many people keep telling me to let go but it's hard you know? I guess this is where "easier said than done" applies...


Endured yet another sleepless night... Endured yet another body aching morning wake up... Today is much more serious... I can't get myself to wake up... The pain was a bit too much to bear... And... I am ashamed of myself... I am really drifting away from Him... I don't want to be this way.. I don't want that just because of a broken relationship, that I will slowly walk out on God... It's stupid... It's idiotic... But... I can't help myself... Since then, everything is going
spiral down... Money is a huge problem... My health is not getting any better tho those pimples are going away... I can't concentrate that well in class tho I may look like it... And laziness is creeping on me... Somehow, most things felt meaningless... Yea... Hopeless as well... Is this normal? Tell me it's not, maybe I'll snap out of it...


Two days past and yet not one message... Maybe, ran out of credit? Or are You telling me that I shouldn't harbour any hopes anymore? But how can I? Lord, remember that pledge? Am I stuck this way because of that? Lord, help me... Lord... Please..........


You know, for the past few weeks I have been trying... Maybe to like someone else... Maybe just to stop thinking about it again... But I realized quickly that even if I were to start another relationship, she will be no more than just a substitute, a replacement... She will be hurt more than anyone else... Besides, it's totally absurd to be praying for a special one or THE ONE... It's just stupid... And... I still very much l**e her... She maybe gone.. But seriously, happiness is what I hope fills her now... And that the persecutions will lessen... But I don't feel easy... About all this... How it ended... It's fishy or is it just jealousy? I don't know.. I have to stop thinking about it... I have to stop stop stop...


Promises... I made a tons of them but yet never get to fulfill most of them... I am so afraid of making one now... That one promise can wreck people's lives... That one promise could leave a scar on one's heart... This promise of attending the event... Fulfill it I must... Because I don't want to break any promises anymore... Can I be selfish? Can he not go?? I don't know... *sigh*... Can I stop being so selfish...

Talent Show - The good, the bad, the ugly... (I nearly forgot)

All right... I was suppose to post this yesterday but now only I remember... Lolz... I was not planning to write about the Talent Show organized by our notorious dance club but something prompted me to do so... I'll tell you the reason later on... So here goes..

The Good

The fireman was pretty much awesome. Well, can't deny the fact that he's a professional... I wonder what he uses as fuel for the fire... Is it kerosene or alcohol? The way he plays with the fire and lighting it up literally, up his arm, abdomen and also... er... you-know-where... It's so fantabombabulous that I want to jump off my seat and cheer for encore... Ok... I didn't do that, of course, lest I look like


an idiot (which I do very much often)... Then, there was the singing by Jordan or affectionately and exclusively known as Xiao Jun or Jun Jun by TB 1... And the guitar plucking by In Ru.. Haha! They were both awesome... Only to be let down by the stupid sound system and the uncooperative audience (shame on you!)... But both of the performers still managed to give me goose bumps. And then there's the popping... One word - fantastic and perfect... Er... Did I say one word? I meant two... Haha! Neways, heard that they are professionals so no wonder... Another thing that is good about the show (or concert?) is the make up... They were 4 stars scary... By that, I mean they do look like zombies or vampires or whoever they are suppose to be... And the big guy who's the bodyguard... Ya... Those over buffed muscles are really scary... And do you really had to go shave your head? Bald doesn't suit you man... You do look familiar tho... Are you Thomas? hahaha!!


The Bad

This pretty much goes down to the sound system... It's either they have no sound man or the whole system sucks... Sorry to say but the the mic is pretty much annoying cos it's too loud and I can't hear what the emcee is saying... He's a funny guy you know? The emcee... But the mic let him down... And for goodness sake, I can't even hear the singing... So it's just bad... And because of that the band that performed sounded real bad... I am sure that they are gonna sound good but in the end, the sound system really really spoil everything... And sh*t! How dare you do your sound check in front of the audience? Aren't you suppose to do that before the show? It shows unprofessionalism.. I am seriously annoyed by that... Lolz... You can't just expect the audience to wait while you tune your bass, tune your guitar, and just say sorry... Respect, please... The drums are abit too loud and The guitar volumes are like those being played in a stadium... It made Loong Kun headache... Lolz... The audience was, well in my opinion, pretty much uncooperative... Come on, people are giving a show... The least you could do is cheer and talk softly... Respect the show la... Before I forget this point... Er... Isn't this a Halloween show? But the music that is played while the audience settled down is nothing related to Halloween..


The Ugly

I admit... Because of Yiing Yi and Eugine (their make up is awesome and it really did scare me)., i had night mares... Yiing Yi was gobbling down my head and Eugine was chewing my hand... It's so scary... And guess what? This was what prompted me to write this post... Unbelievable! Here's the pic...







Ok... Well... In some aspects, the dance club did pretty much a successful show... Attracting 400++ audience is no easy feat and kudos to you all for holding your heads high even in the midst of so much distractions and problems... And also good job in managing to give me nightmares... Well, don't think this is the last show that you guys are gonna organize so hope you all will put up an even better show next time....


p.s thanks Yinfy for fetching us back... Hehe!

Being financially uncertain...

Hmm... I guess it's something that's bothering everyone including me... I've gotta be honest... My money keeps flowing out and nothing goes back in... If this continues, I'll be potentially staring at a blank account in due weeks... I have to stop the rot... I need to WORK... Yup... That's the only answer to it right now... I can't be asking my parents for money all the time... It's just well... selfish... They need it for themselves... So so so... Work is what i need... But what can I work as? Waiter? Chef (lolz)? I wonder... But being financially uncertain is something that is not fun to be in... Help me, Lord... Help me...

Life's harsh reminder (part 2)

It came from the police. The phone call... He dropped the phone on the floor with eyes of disbelief and heart filled with confusion, fear and sorrow. The world came crashing down on him. Everything now seemed meaningless and black. He stood up, put his hands on his face and looked through the window. He muttered, "sorry..." and cried. His wife and children... were gone... forever...

As the man's wife struggled to hold on to her children, the ship sinked cruelly into the depths of the sea. Even then, she blamed not her husband for she loved him so much. She could only moan the misfortune that had beset upon her children and herself. Even in her vain hoping that at least her children would be saved, she knew that no one would survive the freezing waters of the sea. The waves battered the ship relentlessly and in the end, it gave way.... Sinking into the dark, cold realm below....


Tears streamed down his cheeks again as he witnessed the passing of time in front of him. The inevitable cruelty and condemnation that had beset upon him. The robbing of his precious from him. It was too much to bear... But there's nothing he could do to correct those mistakes. He neglected his family.. Neglected what they truly wanted from him as a husband and a dad... But now, they were gone... Never again those smiles will be seen and laughters be heard... No more... As he bemoans his lost, he took a step further towards the edge of the building... "Sorry" was the last word he said... And into the streets below, he flew....


p.s... I don't know how to put it but this story just comes to my mind. It's a reminder to us all that life isn't all about what we are doing or dreaming... But most important it's about the people around us and those who love and care for us. Wealth is but a very temporary luxury we can have. Fame is but a mere white elephant. Family is moon of the night, lighting up the dark. They are the ones who will support, love and care and adore us. Friends are the stars that makes the sky beautiful. They are the ones who lighten up our lives, colour our days with laughters and stand by us through it all... Don't ignore them. Don't neglect them. Love them... With all your heart and soul... They might be here today but gone tomorrow.... Until then... Take this chance to say... I love you...

p.p.s To the 3 UTARians... James Khor Wan Kai, Yew Shy Gin and Yew Ghim Chnieh, this story is dedicated to you... I don't know any of you but you reminded us all that appreciation and care for our loved ones are very important... Finally... Rest In Peace... Good bye....

Life's harsh reminder (part 1)

A man stands by the side of the road, looking at the people around him. They walked past him as if he was invisible. They were all rushing here and there constantly on the phone or on their PDA... They can't seem to care what is going on around. The man sat quietly at a corner. He was hungry. He hadn't eaten for days. He hadn't nice clothes to wear. Nor shoes to protect his feet. Nor a roof over to give him shelter. NO one cared. NO one took notice at his predicament. He watched them... Horrified at the fact he was once one of them...


He was the big shot of one of the biggest company. He was what other people call as successful. He is the kind of man who can make something out of nothing. He was wealthy. He was what every man wants to be in this world. He was happy or so he thought... He had a loving wife and two beautiful children. You can say that he was a family man. He would spend time with them no matter how busy he was. You could say he loved them for he lavishes gift on them. But he failed in one thing... Understanding them... He thought by providing them with wealth defines his love for them... How wrong was he... He never knew that his wife loved chocolates. He never knew his son was a very good writer. Nor did he knew his daughter wants to sing to him. He missed out a lot... Tho he thought he had done enough...


One day, he decided to take them out on a summer vacation in his private ship to the ocean. The vacation was going very well indeed. This time, it was really quality time spent with his family... There were no interruptions or so he thought... Out of the blue, he got an emergency call from his secretary. He was needed back in his company. He looked at his wife and she said to him "go on... We'll be fine here" and smiled brightly... He sighed and went on his way back to shore with another boat.

Indeed his company was in an emergency... All of a sudden, the company's shares was beginning to drop. He was baffled. Not knowing what exactly was happening. As he sat in his office, he got another phone call....

What is your legacy?

http://www.thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2009/11/2/nation/5024687&sec=nation

By clinking on the link above, you'd end up in a tragedy of 4 friends... By now, most of us will already know that 3 UTARians drowned in the waterfall at Kampar. It's shocking... How the news eluded me for the past few days till Ka Cheh told me about it... I was shocked... Shocked and surprised that it actually happened... Look at their age... No more than 21... They were young... Most probably vibrant young people ready to take on the world... I know them not... But it hurts... Hurts me when lives are lost just like that... In a blink... In a flash, everything they hoped, dreamed, ambitioned are now lost... Their loved ones will now suffer the pain of lost...


Ironically, it reminds us here for those who are still living... So clearly that life is short... We may be here for one minute and gone the other... Sometimes, I think... we take life for granted... As if we have the right and authority to HAVE this life... It's so wrong... Cos, life isn't ours... We were GIVEN life... and life can be TAKEN AWAY as well... After much toiling lately with my inner self... About how useless have I become... I can only come to this conclusion... Something that was buried down in my mind by my youth pastor...

"Isaiah, if you die tomorrow, what will be your legacy?"

I wonder what will my legacy be when I do truly die... Life is too short to enjoy sometimes... Life is too demanding to relax most of the time... If I do truly die, I only want to leave these two legacies or maybe just advice to the people I love and care...

"Live life to the fullest centered around God"

and

"Keep smiling"

I hope when this is what I will leave behind when one day... I return to the Lord... As for somebody... Life is too short to ponder too much... Live life as it is, enjoy it, stop pushing too hard and... remember the 4 Loves... Love God, Love your family, Love your friends, Love yourself...

Freaking idiot...

Can I just say that I am the most freaking idiot in the whole wide world? Sometimes, I am just so baffled that I always always fail to learn my lessons... Look at me... I am a far cry of who I really am... Or am I always this way last time? Definitely not... I don't recall myself being snappy... I don't recall myself being so sarcastic that it annoys people, even myself... I don't recall myself being so useless and hopeless and so directionless in life...; Is this one o those lay-off periods that people have? Or is it just me yet again, don't want to learn the lesson?


My clock says it's 1:27 pm... I haven't had my lunch... I haven't gone to church... I haven't done a single freaking thing that I am proud off for the last week... Should I go on to punish myself by not eating again today? Maybe I should... Maybe I must... To keep reminding myself of how horrible a person that I have become... You know... It's so stupid... So freaking frustrating that one can realize the bad changes in oneself yet chooses to do nothing about it... I think I fall into that category.... I really wish someone could just really, literally, smack me in the face or on the head or stomach or up the a**...Just so some senses can come back into this empty head of mine... All those rubbish excuses that I made for myself is so darn good that if there is ever a competition about making excuses, I would win it... I recall someone once told me that not being able to do anything is not the excuse for not trying to do everything I could...I must change... I MUST...


Freaking idiot in the freaking world doing freaking stupid things trying to freaking change everything... That's me... Lord... Help me... I don't want to drift away...

We are not perfect...

Tired... Fatigued... Nothing can be done... I have yet again... Pushed my body a bit wee to far... But I wanna finish the researching as fast as I can so that we can get the assignment going... For now... I wish I can go home... But no! I have to persevere through... Even if fatigue rears its ugly head... Sometimes I just hate myself... I am broken inside but I don't want to admit... That makes God hard to reach me... I just like to hide from problems like a coward... I just like to laugh it all away when things are just not that simple... I am lost sometimes but too arrogant to ask for directions again... I don't know what to do sometimes... I just feel that this insomnia probably even happened to me because of my own stubbornness... Yea... It's so out of line... Out of context sometimes... What I am thinking... But I just have to move forward... Yea... I just need to do that... God... I need You...


Humans are not perfect they say... But you know what? Sometimes people expect you to be perfect... Sometimes people want just so much of you that there's no place to breathe... Sometimes, you hurt yourself because you succumb to the pressure... Sometimes, you really need a shoulder, a bear hug and the customary saying of "everything's gonna be all right..." but you just can't find one... Sometimes, you can't admit that you are hurt, alone, deserted and lost because... You don't want to be a burden to others... You try to tackle the problems alone... You try to solve it... You try to fight every single battle, every single war by yourself... But one thing we always always fail to realise is that often a one-man-army is the reason, the cause of our own demise... We realise this but we are just too stubborn to admit that we need a helping hand... Me included...


"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." -John 15:13-


See? Even the Bible says such things... There are wars and battles that we need to fight alone but there are also those that we need a helping hand... More often than not, we always fail to know that our friends want to help and that they care and love us... The code of "anytime, anywhere, need me? Call me..." is always ignored... Me included again... Sometimes, I just don't want to see other people suffer or crack their brain just because they wanted to share my burdens... You too, right? Sometimes... I want to talk to someone... But... I just can't help but ponder that I will be very annoying or even an extra burden for that person if I do so...



Like I said, we are not perfect... I am not perfect... But there are things that I need to sort out myself... I thank you all for helping me but now... It's between God and me... I feel I am drifting away again... See? Another thing that I hate about myself... I hate the very fact that I declare that I love God but I tend to fall so easily, lose faith that quickly... How am I gonna let God use me if I am so pathetic? I really need to get back on track... Really need to take things more of God, less of the world...


Found yet another song that spoke what I thought of when it all happened... The dreadful day... Oh... It's by Christina Aguilera... The name of the song is Hurt...

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today, ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

Sometimes I really want someone to smack some senses into my head... Can you do that for me?

The culprit named Roti Susu

It was a lovely night, I guess. My body is very... well... intelligent. There's gonna be yet another Arsenal match tonight and Liverpool's the opposition. Well, to be more specific it's 'tonight' for the Londoners and 'morning' for us, Malaysians... The match is gonna be shown live at 3.40am. As usual, there are no kaki bolas around and I had to watch it myself again. I slept at about 11 something yesterday. And when I said my body is very intelligent... I mean it. Because whenever there's a football match at the wee hours of the morning, it will automatically 'switch-off'' early in the night... If not, I'd slept at 1 or 2 a.m. as usual.


Now, I remember the last time I watched this darn sport live at the mamak. And it was an unpleasant experience... Read my previous posts and you'll know why... So this time... I am gonna play safe... One roti susu and one teh ais and that's it... No more, no less... Again! There were no seats left... So I had to share... Worst of all... They were smokers (no offense cigarette lovers but do you realize you are killing us?)... And foul-mouthed as well! Imagine, every foul and missed scoring chances are accompanied by the 'f ' word and other chinese vulgar words... Gosh... And they do it CONSISTENTLY! So definitely my mood was rather bad tho I was supposed to be happy cos I chatted with somebody and also because of Arsenal... lolz.. The bachelor's life eh? Surrounded by coffee, football, mamak, teh ais, roti susu... Shall I go on?


And I'd got my food and drink rather late because of the amount of people (did I mention that some of them has rather peculiar smell? Or is it just me who haven't really woke up?)... Any way, By the time, I finished the roti susu and teh ais... It was 2-1 to the ARSENAL! Haha! Darn happy... But about 10 minutes later, I have this nausea feeling.... It was like deja-vu all over again... I was like "oh man! Not again?"... Thank God I was able to finish watching that match... ER... That's something to be thankful about right? haha!


So I went home and lie rather uneasy on my bed... And I found out... Something! Argh! Like I said, I like to do stupid things without me realising it... So Yea... This nausea feeling is caused by that stupid piece of bread... That roti susu!! Now I know that roti susu don't go well with teh ais... Darn it! And the stupid bread is one of my favourite mamak delicacy... Tho a bit sweet and fatty... But darn it... I officially named the roti susu as the culprit of this nausea feelings... HEY YOU! YEA! YOU! DARN ROTI SUSU! YOU ARE ARRESTED WITH THE CHARGE OF MAKING ISAIAH NAUSEATED! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENCE AND WHATEVER YOU SAY WILL BE USED AGAISNT YOU IN THE COURT OF BAD FOOD DEPARTMENT!


I am just being lame, aren't I? XP

Kisah Cintaku... (Peter pan)

di malam yang sesunyi ini
aku sendiri tiada yang menemani
akhirnya kini kusadari dia telah pergi
tinggalkan diriku

adakah semua kan terulang
kisah cintaku yang seperti dulu

hanya dirimu yang kucinta dan kukenang
di dalam hatiku takkan pernah hilang
bayangan dirimu
untuk selamanya

mengapa terjadi kepada dirimu
aku tak percaya kau telah tiada
haruskah kupergi
tinggalkan dunia agar aku dapat berjumpa denganmu...

You know... I love this song a lot... I listen to it a lot lately... Maybe it's cos of the lyrics... But... All I want to say is... That smile will be in my heart forever... Friends... I wouldn't want to question anymore... I wouldn't want to keep thinking about it anymore... But rest assured... Ears, shoulders and hugs... If you need them... They will be available for you... Thanks for helping me through... XD

The Secret of the Sleepless Night revealed

Yea... I have to admit... After telling you all why I didn't sleep the other night, most of you will probably be pissed off or annoyed or want to beat me up.. I overly panicked over such a thing... Pretty much had a sleepless night after a night of watching football. Well it's a must watch match even if I support neither of the teams. This match is between Manchester United and Liverpool... Two of the biggest teams in the English Premier League... One of the most furious and over hyped rivalries in the football world... So I must go watch lest my kaki bola back in Taiping say I am outdated! Haha!! *ahem*... I actually went to the mamak 5 minutes late and by then, there were hardly any seats left... And worse of all no one was wearing their teams' jersey... So sharing table is definitely out... Cos I was gonna root for Liverpool... All the anti-MU fans will know why... Haha! So I don't want to be sitting near the MU fans when I am rooting for Liverpool, MU fans will chop my head off... Lolz...


So this is what happened... I found a seat at the corner and sat down... It was quite uncomfortable cos the TV screen is so darn small and it was high up... So imagine how my neck suffered... I am not freaking gonna talk about the match or else I would make my blog look like the footies blog...


This is what I did... It's foolishness, I know... I sat down, and ordered a roti susu and teh ais... Finished eating and drinking by half time... And (darn it!) I got thirsty again... Seriously, I ran out of ideas to order drinks... So I go by the custom of teh ais... That's TWO teh ais... ok... Drink drink... By this time, Liverpool was winning 2-0 (in your face MU!)... Maybe it's cos of too much shouting and sighing... I got thirsty again... The match already finished but it was ARSENAL's game next so I just have to watch. THIRD teh ais... And a roti kosong to go with it... Makan habis , minum habis, another teh ais! That's FOUR!


Gosh, can you believe it? I can't too... But after analysing it, I must... haha! So, that's the secret of it... I guess I can stil sleep after four cups of coffee but not tea... So darn it! I actually can't sleep cos of teh ais! Argh... Sometimes, I feel I like to do stupid things without me realising it... haha! Oh well, I am ready to be bombarded by you all cos of the FOUR cups of TEH AIS... HAVE MERCYYYYYYY!!

Hmm...

Hmm... I can't seem to sleep... No matter how hard I try... The strange thing is... I am not thinking of anything... I am not worrying about anything... So what's the matter with me? So what's wrong? I can't seem to sleep... And this sudden nausea feelings... Something is wrong... But what? Hmm... Really don't like this... 2 more hours to my 'waking-up' time...

All I need is You, Lord

Left my fear by the side of the road
I hear You speak, won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your Spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again

Where would my soul be without Your Son?
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

'Cause all I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

'Cause all I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

All I need is You, You, You
'Cause all I need is You
'Cause all I need is You
All I need is You

'Cause all I need is You
And all I need is You

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You

All I need is You
You, Jesus
You save my soul, You make me whole
I'm new because of You

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, yeah, You hold

You hold the universe
And You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You, Jesus

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

Every line, every stanza is so true... Every word reflects what I am thinking now... The truth is I don't need anything else... All I need is You, Lord... You Hold the universe... Humans are so feeble... As so often... When we stand back up after afflictions... We tend to fall right back in it again... I learnt one very important lesson today... Joshua 1:5... "I will never leave you nor forsake you..." thus saith the Lord... As usual... Sometimes we take for granted this verse... Something which I do very much often... Dawn jie say, no matter how much we abandon God... How many times we have turned away from Him and yet He... Never ever left us alone.. He remains faithful us... Because... even if we keep denying Him... He can't deny Himself... And thus in actual fact... I really don't need anything else... Because... God is love... God is everything...


Like Dawn jie said... Bad thoughts are not from God... I have to move on... Everyone is helping me... A lot of people care for me... A lot of people is helping me to stand... Helping me to move on... I cannot let them down... Cos... One way or another... God sent them to me... If I let them down, I am letting God down as well... I have to wake up from my foolishness.. To an extend, all depression times... All dark tunnels will end... With light at the end... But I am glad... That this Light is not at the end... Because it's all around me... Can you feel it? It's warm... It's full of love... Full of faith... Full of hope... Can you feel it? It's... the best embrace one could ever get... Because that Light... never goes off... Cos... God says... He will never leave us alone... Thank You, Lord... You are always... with us... Forever...

Can you...

Can you, o tears, stop flowing?
Stop flowing down in streams?
Every drop, every tear, a memory unfailing,
Every drop, every tear, a feeling unfading.

Can you, o heart, stop beating?
Stop beating for a lost feeling?
Every beat, every pump, a fear never-ending,
Every beat, every pump, a lost wanderer crying.

Can you, o mind, stop thinking?
Stop thinking to stop questioning?
Every why, every how, a cruel reminding,
Every why, every how, just a man dreaming.

Can you, o eyes stop searching?
Stop searching for that past happenings?
Every sight, every light, a waiting,
Every sight, every light, a precious leaving.

Can you, o ears stop listening?
Stop listening to stop missing?
Every sound, every voice, a vain hoping,
Every sound, every voice, a lost dreaming.

Can you, o hands stop feeling?
Stop feeling for something?
Every touch, every feel, a useless wanting,
Every touch, every feel, a fool needing.

Can you, o lips, stop calling?
Stop calling to stop sinking?
Every noise, every call, a tunnel echoing,
Every noise, every call, a naive wondering.

Can you, o tears, heart,
mind, eyes, and ears,
and hands and lips,
Stop?
Stop to stop dwelling?
Stop to stop this tale, resurfacing?
Can you?

Love Story

It's been a long time since I heard that song... Yea... Very long... I can't even remember... Was it a month ago? Or just a few weeks ago? Hah... My memory is really failing me nowadays... Woke up late today... I can't sleep... AGAIN! Yea... So decided to appear offline in MSN just so nobody knows I am still awake... opps... Secret exposed... =.='''.... In any case... I did manage to get some sleep and in the morning, I was awaken by Loong Kun... Saying they are going to the digital mall... I had nothing to do today... So I went with them... Them being Adrian, Kun, Esther Lee and Ru... So we went there by bus... Ru on the mission to get his CPU fixed... Feel honoured, man... You got 4 other people following you... haha! Just kidding... Adrian continues his pursue for a camera... Esther with her cable hunting and Kun, his mouse hunting... Me? Cooling pad and a nice laptop skin for my lappie... Haha!


We went to digital mall first to get the CPU fixed... Walked around a lil and finally... Er... Or maybe, unfortunately, the repair man can't find anything wrong with the CPU... Darn... So where to put the CPU now? Cos we were planning to go to KL... We went for lunch first and there we all decided to chuck the CPU into the locker in the digi mall... Er.. not literally of course... Anyway, we went first to Times Square... Ok... I admit... I went to Starbucks... Gosh there were so many of 'em and the temptation was soooooooooo great! So me bought a grande caramel with whip cream on the top... Yummiez~~... Then Ru bought a watch I think and then we went to Low Yat... Gosh... First time being there and was a bit startled... The amount of computers... The amount of gadgets... The amount of people! The amount of their scent... =.='''... Me don't like crowded places... haha!!


Finally got my cooling pad and an ARSENAL laptop skin!!! Haha! So darn happy cos Arsenal is favourite football club... And the laptop skin with its emblem... YES! PERFECTO~... Kun suggested we go to Sungai Wang which was just next door and so we went... Tho the legs are sore... Walked round and round and just when I thought it was gonna be a good day... This song... Love Story played in one of the shops... I...Lost the ability to smile at that instant... Tho I had to fake it in front of them... That song... Was our song... Yes... She and me... Our song... It was the song she sang to me... And the song which kept our believe in our love... It was the very song that I love to listen to... I can even sing it without the music... A song which reflects on us so truly...


"Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel,
This love is difficult but it's real,
Don't be afraid, we'll get out of this mess,
It's a love story, baby just say yes."


This particular stanza pulled us through a lot of hard times... Perhaps... Not this time... At this very moment... I have been living in self denial... I kept saying things like "it's ok... I don't need to love her anymore...", "she's got a better guy now." or anything like that... I am denying how I feel... This love is difficult... But it's REAL... REAL!! This is not some puppy love! This is not two kiddos trying to figure out what's love! This is not two people who... wanted to separate in the first place.. Why does our love story has to be yet another fairy tale? Why??? Maybe we are too young?? I don't know... I DON"T KNOW! Why... I kept asking myself... Or rather I keep asking God... Why... (sorry dawn jie and esther jie for dragging myself into this again... I am just... useless aren't I?)


I cannot fathom why... It was all too true... too cruel... Too cold... Too... numb... Harsh reality... That's what they call it... Our love... is... true... But our love story... It's just a fairy tale... A harsh fairy tale... A tale of a meant-to-be who can't be....... Somehow... I wished... I never have existed in her life... At least... At least... She won't be in this much pain... Or perhaps... It's me who can't accept the very fact that she is not the one??


The other day... She said her heart is at peace now... Tho there are persecutions anywhere... I can't help it but to think that her time with me... Last time... Was her heart not at peace? Perhaps... It's me... Perhaps... It's my selfishness... Perhaps it's my self centered-ness.... Perhaps... I put too much pressure on her... It's ME... ME! I.......... am the one... who destroyed this love story.... I am sorry... Sorry... Sorry.... Now... Empty promises fill this love story... Promises that I can never fulfill anymore... I am sorry... Sorry............. I don't know what to say...



But... I am happy... Happy to the very fact that he will indeed be a better guy for her than me... Happy that he will appreciate her more... Happy that... that... he can... fulfill the promises in my behalf... At least, that's what I hope... Am glad that her heart is at peace... Not in pain... Not in darkness... I don't care if I have to be alone... I don't care if I am to take in all the pain... I don't care.... All I want, pray and hope is that you... yes... you... can be happy... and never lose that smile... I don't care... Don't you dare give up that smile...



I don't know how to feel now... Love Story... Keep playing in my heart... Cos... even if it's just a fairy tale... But you showed me what does it truly feel like to love and to be loved... Thank you.... for appearing in my life.... Sorry for the tears..........

Numbness of the Heart

Sometimes being numb is quite a good thing... Not being able to feel anything... And what's more... Sometimes being numb means we don't need to do anything... How great is that? But that doesn't apply to the heart... When there's numbness in the heart... Your world crumbles...


That's what I feel anyway... Yes... My world did crumble a few weeks back... Everything seem dark and gloom... So lost... So dark... But I have seen the light now... Thank You, Lord... If she can move on... Why can't I? If so many thousands of people are having the worse nightmare of their lives and they are able to move on, why can't I? It's not the end of the world... God says He has a plan for me... I couldn't ask for more.. If you wanna put in worldly terms... I guess... There are still lots of 'fishes' in this world... Lolz... Tho fish like her is hard to come by... (at this moment, dawn jie will probably say, "what the FISH?" haha!~ jk jk)


Ok... Well... I gotta be honest I guess... My heart.. Yes... The real one... The one which goes 'doob-doob!" and is pumping blood to my whole body... Yea... This heart... I think... Well basically... It goes numb every morning... Then it affects my palms... They go numb and I will go nuts... Anyway... Gotta sit up straight for about 3 minutes and they will be gone... Hm... Time for a medical check up again? Maybe... At least, I am not depressed anymore... And what's more, there are people who care about me... Yes, even her... Tho very vague... Haha! Anyway.. I am just glad, I can get over this depression stage this fast... I just want to thank my friends and those who cared for me all this while... I never got a chance to say thank you for curing this numbness in my heart... And never got the chance to say to you all... Yea... I love you all...

p.s. I am ready to face the world with you guys... Together-gether? XD

Thou art Great...

In times of darkness,
In times of peace,
In times of lost,
In times of gain,
Thou art there.


Thou art the light in the darkness,
Thou art the joy in storms,
Thou art the love in hatred,
Thou art the forgiveness in the lost,
Thou art the rich for the poor.


And there in the garden of Gethsemane,
Thou prayed for me,
And there in calvary,
Thou art cruficied for my shame,
And there from the grave,
Thou rose again.


Thou blood cleansed'th me clean,
Thou grace save'th me from pain,
Thou mercy spared'th me death,
Thou light show'th me truth,
Thou love reveal'th me rest.


And thou name exalted,
Over all the earth,
Every knee bow'th,
Every toungue confess,
Thou art Great,
Thou art Savior,
Thou art Christ Jesus,
God's only begotten Son...

Do the right thing... Make the right decisions...

It's one of those days when things are going real fine only to be ruined at the moment when we least expect it... Today... Is the first time since... we separated that I got so worried... Yea... Her sis and friend said she left home... Run away... I thought I'd be ok... I thought I won't worry that much because she's not mine anymore... Who am I to worry? Who am I to judge where she's gone to? Who am I to say what she can or cannot do? She's a grown up... She can think... She can make decisions... And yes... Most importantly she has God... But NO... I was wrong... I was worried... I was scared that something bad might happen... I couldn't keep a cool head... I am afraid... Very afraid... that... that... I might not be able to see her again.. Then I realise... I am still... very much in love...


I started calling her sis and her friends... Called her mobile but she switched it off... I was panicking... Then... A voice in my heart told me to pray... And I did... Tears welled up in my eyes... And this is what God said to me:

" In life, there're struggles.
In relationships, there're heart breaks.
In work, there're problems and competitions.
In family, there are cracks.
But in Me, there're hope, peace, rest, love and patience.
Seek Me... Cast Me your burdens...
Don't worry too much...
Trust Me... For in Me only you shall find joy..."
Thus saith the Lord.

Yes... Only in Him... Can I trust now... And truly enough, after a long wait... She text me... "I am safe... Don't worry.."... I really felt like asking why... I really wanted to nag her, well so to speak... But I suppose... Her family is worried sick and most probably is nagging her already... As a friend... I need to support her... So I didn't ask... I can only pray for peace for her... And God... Thank You for teaching me another lesson... It's only too true that in times of real afflictions that we tend to forget You... Who You really are and what You can do... We forget that You are the almighty God... And that... You love us so much... You wouldn't want us harmed or hurt... You wouldn't abandon us... You always want the best for us... I thank You, Lord... My Father...


As I try to call it a day... I wonder... Dear... Are you... Ok? Do you need a shoulder? Do you need... a hug? Dear... I am sorry, k? I hope and pray that better times are ahead of you... Don't ever lose faith... Even if you don't know about this blog's existence... I hope you can still hear my heart in the stillness of the night... Have faith, dear... God never fails... Have faith... Do the right thing... Make the right decisions in Him, through Him... Good night, my dearest...

Embarking on a New Journey

It's never easy to be alone... It's nice to have someone by your side... Offering hugs or maybe light pecks to the cheek... It's beautiful to look into someone's eyes and know, without them saying a word, what they feel about you... That's a luxury that I don't have now...

And so today... It's the new beginning on a new journey... As my pastor calls it... A journey of Pain... Trials, pains, sufferings and discouragement will come along the way... Sometimes... It does seems unfair... Sometimes... We wonder why God couldn't have done more... Sometimes... We blame God for things that went wrong... But we tend to forget that He holds all the answers... It's sem 2... And today... I actually found out that God has given me wonderful blessings in my life that I never really knew... One is friends... And two... My CF members... They kept me up during these hard times... And so foolish of me to ever said I am always alone... Now I know I am not...


God works in very special ways... God works in wonderful ways... Which sometimes seem to us, a bit weird... But God knows best... That's what I learnt... And truly... God does... On the way back from bus yesterday... And I cried... Again... Yea... It was all good but when the pain comes back, it stings my chest... I just had to cry... While doing that... I kept praying and also texting messages to Dawn Jie and Esther jie and even her... And these 3 people did propel me up abit... I finally let go of whatever thoughts and dreams and feelings that kept me so down... Don't get me wrong tho... I still love her... Haha!! Just that... I learn to see in a new perspective... If God says now it's not the time... We gotta let go... And in this new journey... God is right... To love is to let go, sometimes... Don't worry about the future... I have a plan for you... Thank You, Lord... Thank You

The art of being Depressed...

YES... I admit... I am falling into depression... I am more aware and alert... I am so afraid now... I am so so so so so scared... I don't know what to do... I don't know if I should cry... I don't know if I have to go bang my head into the wall just so I can have some sleep... I don't want to be doing and focusing on something and suddenly, tears would just flow... I don't want to let go and yet I must... I don't like being like this, I don't like to be emo... I want to smile and yet I can't... I want to laugh as hard as I could and yet I can't... I know what I have to do but I don't want to because it is not born out of a sincere heart... So this is the art of being depressed... Being so confused, so indirected in everything, so lost and so hopeless and lifeless...


Ok... So I know the problem now... I must solve it... I must climb back up after this fall... I cannot just stay defeated... But... I don't know how... So I muster up all my courage and told her I am sorry for being cold to her yesterday... You know it's so stupid... I've been waiting and waiting for the whole day for her text message... And when she finally does text me, I just turn her a cold shoulder... What an idiot... But it's so complicated... I don't know how to react... Ok ok... enough of that.. And ok, I did feel a lil bit better... but still very much down and blue and whatever stupid trash thoughts still haunt me... And after that... I tossed and turn and tossed and turn in my bed for about two hours and finally, I give in to my eyes and say, "look, dudes.. If you want to cry, just cry, would ya?"... And so they did... Cried for another hour and still can't sleep... Oh gosh, WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME??? That question, I have no idea who it is directed to but I think it's mostly to the devil...



From that moment, got out of bed, switched on my laptop, went to dawn jie's blog and searched... and AH HA! The teletubby methodology... Yes... I need it... So I followed the steps... hey if it worked on someone, why not me? Besides... I really don't feel like talking to anyone... Lest I hurt their feelings... So:

Step 1 : Take a DEEP breathe. And say (MEAN it as you voice it out), "Dear God, I love you." (* acknowledge that HE created us and thus understands us and loves us best Himself. Respond to His love)

Step 2 : Let out the air in your lungs slowly and tell God, " Please help me out here... I really need you..." ( * understand nothing is too great a problem for our Big God)


And guessed what? It did worked! Ok.. At least, I did have some sleep... And sorry dawn jie for directly copying it out of your blog... Haha! Cos I am still new at this... but it does help... And kudos to teletubby bro for founding such a method to counteract the stupid lies and thoughts... All praises go to God... And right... All true that Nothing is too great a problem for our BIG GOD... I believe... This will soon be over... This art of being depressed being erased in my life...

Just for you

The cold night wind blows
As I stare into the starless sky
As tears flows down from spark-less eyes
I kept asking why


Don't you know...
Your smile always light up the whole town...
Don't you know...
It will only be seen by someone else now...
So I wonder...

Will you remember this song?
This song is just for you
To take us back to the distant memories...

Will you remember this song?
This song is just for you
Maybe... Just maybe...
That you will remember...
I miss you too...

I am staying up tonight
To relive and dwell in the days
When we used to look into each other's eyes
And know what love means...

Don't you know?
It's all a dream now, a recurring dream...
Don't you know?
This story is just another fairy tale
So I wonder...


Will you remember this song?
This song is just for me...
To let me feel your arms around me...
To feel the touch of your hands again...

Will you remember this song?
This song is just for you...
Hoping that it will tell you...
That yes, dear...
I still love you...

Defeated at Maxwell Hill... (darn it!)

Went mountain... er... I mean hill trekking today... It was the first time in a year since I came back to conquer this hill yet again... I was confident that I will make it to the top today... I was sure that this will probably take my mind of the things that happened to me for the past few days... WRONG! So wrong... Today I found out about a very dreadful thing... My worst nightmare... I guess you can call it that... My heart... It was pumping faster than usual and pounding my chest, literally... And that was half way up the hill... Maybe it's just that I haven't been exercising for a while or it's the coffee that 's acting up... But never ever ever in my life that my heart will beat so hard and fast... So I sat down and I guess blood was rushing to my head... I could feel my arteries beating to the same beat of my heart... Nearly blacked out but thank God for Kok Yaw... He was there... Kept me company even though I asked him to carry on climbing with the others... Then my hands grew numb and I know I cannot sit any longer... So I told him that I was gonna go back down... And hence.. For the first time... I am defeated at Maxwell Hill... Maybe it's no big deal... Maybe I can do it again one day but I doubt it now... Maybe... I should've gone for the scan... Darn it... Darn it all...



I was scared and my first reflex would be taking up the phone and text to her about it... But when I took out the phone... I realize... "She's not with me anymore..."... And so I kept my phone again... I was so angry with myself... WHY I CAN'T JUST GET OVER IT??? Maybe like people said... It's gonna take time... Well, I hope not too long! Then they said wanna go swimming... So okiez.. I agreed hoping that this will definitely take my mind off here... And when I reach that place... The moment I stepped into the water... Yes... YOu guessed it right... I thought about her again... Because our second date was at the water fall in Kampar.. This is a swimming pool tho but I could actually see her... So afraid of the water... Wading so carefully, and cute... How I missed that moment... How I wished that I could just turn back time... Not to change anything but just to see... See that lovely smile... And her cute clumsiness in the water... ISAIAH!! SNAP OUT OF IT NOW!!!!! And I managed to pull myself together again...


Today... I wonder... How she is doing... I cannot muster the courage to text her a message... No... I can't... I cannot muster the courage to send her the pics that I used to do... No.. Because... She's not with me anymore... I hope she will be taking a good rest today... Maybe take a day off... Go pak to or do anything she likes... Maybe... Maybe... I was hoping... No... I am hoping that... She will remember me here... Hah... Big deal, Isaiah... Can't you just move forward? Well.. Can I just dwell here a lil longer... I don't want those images to disappear... I don't want her smile to disappear in me... No... I can't... I couldn't just let it all fade away... She... means... so much to me... Yes.. It was short but... I... still... Love her... Perhaps she is too...



And so because of these thoughts, I punished myself.. I skipped lunch... Well... never good to harm your body like that... I know... I really hope that I won't be defeated again... So... I understand now that from being very important to important to less important to fade away... Because it hurts both sides... One for being neglected, the other for letting go the memories and feelings... Lord.. please help her to forget all this pain...


p.s. I will always love you... Please... Just be happy... Forget about me... I hope you are doing so... Though you will never ever get to read this blog...

Changing...

I must be breaking records... Two posts in a day? Just want to end today on a positive note... I talked to two wonderful people in my life today... Dawn jie and Esther jie... And both offered wonderful words of encouragement and advice. I just thank God for them... At least now I know who to find and you know... Let it all out like they say... Sorry ya? Always ma fan you all... Menyusahkan sahaja...


Esther jie is right... I need to stop making an excuse for myself and also for her that God wants us to separate... In fact... I believe... We chose... this... I don't know... But it's time to look forward... It's time to stop looking back to the past.. Like I always believed... If we are meant to be... We will be... So I respect her decision. It's finished.. Done deal.. Full stop... And Enough... I am done with all these... I urge my readers... er.. for now only got two... Feel free to slap me, hit me or whack me with a freaking long concrete pole if you ever find me wondering into relationships again... Ok.. that's a bit too cruel but you get my point... Haha!!


As of today, 15 October 2009, 11:44pm... I decide that I will change... Change to be a better man, a better friend, a better son, and most importantly, a better child of God... I want to change by God... I want to be what He wants me to be... Because He knows best...I mean... No harm in waiting right? So be patient... And Lord... I haven't say this in a while now... But... I love YOU...

Useless!!!!

USELESS!! CAN"T EVEN RECOGNIZE THE ROAD TO THAT RESTAURANT? HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU DRIVE A CAR???

Exact same words that mom said to me this morning... I thought today will be a better day than yesterday... But no... So we were going for breakfast this morning and I accidentally took a wrong turn to the wrong restaurant... And another wrong turn again before going to the correct restaurant... Mom suddenly became so furious... I don't know what to say or how to react... Perhaps she's right... Right that I am useless... Cos I can't even drive to that restaurant... So how am I gonna survive in this world? I don't know... I think I just can't, sometimes... But God says He will carry me through..

After that, I came home... I cried... Gosh! I cried... Again... I hate this... I hate all of it... I blamed mom for reacting like this... I blamed that if she always randomly give me rants and stuff, how am I share what is in my heart? And there she is complaining that I don't talk to her anymore... Mom.. It's not that I don't want to talk to you but... I really don't know how to... I am not that small boy anymore... I am not what I was when I am 13... I've grown, mom... I know how to see things, how to intepret things... I know what is going on around me, CLEARLY... Mom... You didn't open up to me about dad even after numerous occasions when I try to talk about him... All your answer is he's a bad guy... So... Tell me , MOM! Tell me... How am I gonna share things with you when you can't share things with me? You are all I have left on this stinking earth and it breaks my heart because I can't even talk to you... Mom... I can't even tell you that I had a gf... I can't even tell you that I broke up.. I can't even let you see that my heart is broken... I can't... Because... I know how are you gonna react... I know what you are gonna say... Mom... You are wrong... You may have lots of knowledge but God controls everything... You maybe a smart woman but God can take it away... You are wrong that I can be like you when I just want to be myself... But mom... I still love you... I just hope you can just realize that I need more than a mom now... I need a friend... I am sorry... But please don't put high hopes on me... I just want to be normal... Because I know I am useless...


And yes... I better ask for forgiveness because... Yes.. I blame God... I blame that He can't give me a complete family... I blame Him for letting me go through heart breaks after heart breaks... I blame Him for not... Not letting me be... with her... I blame Him... But I also realize that by doing so, it's a training ground for me to reach out to the people who are and will be experiencing the same thing... I know that... I understand... But... It's unfair... But the world is unfair as well... Who am I to complain? Who am I to judge? Who am I to blame??? So I can only blame myself... For not putting enough efforts in doing all these things... I can only blame myself because I blame God when He knows best... and yes... What Dawn jie says is true... God has never promised a smooth path... Never promised that peace is without pain... I maybe useless in some people but I am useful in the Lord... Wrong timing? perhaps... Tis... is the very first time I had been serious about a relationship... And I think... it's just a trial for us to go through... At least, that's what I hope it is...

I remember my pastor saying, if God wants you to leave her, would you do so?? I said yes... Immediately in fact.. And so, now I have done it... I have done my part and I have obeyed... I just hope that things will go the right way... This heart.. Can only be healed by God alone... Lord... Forgive me...

Get a life!

Get a life... Yea... A lot of people had told me that lately... I wonder... Did I really changed that much? I mean... Come on... I am still me... I still make stupid jokes... I still laugh like mad... So... what's wrong with me?

"I don't know..." that's always the answer... I guess... What ka cheh said is right... "Your 'haha' is not your haha anymore..."... Really? I mean, seriously... How is my haha like last time? They said it's more genuine... More... from the heart... Well... Now, practically... The heart has a big hole now... It's scarred so please be a bit considerate? Hah... Like they would know...


Only those who had had experience when something that is going so well and beautiful, taken away so deliberately... I experienced it twice.. Once my dad and now this... Dad because of another woman, her because... because of God??? No way! I mean... I don't want to blame God... I don't want to... But I still doubt the statement that he said God wants them to be together... I mean... I don't know... I am so confused today... Dad's images of leaving his family behind came gushing back into my mind and heart again... I thought I had put it away... I thought I had forgiven him... But actually... No... I still can't put it down... So what am I gonna do? Major heart breaks keep haunting me... I mean.. Dear... I know you don't want to look back.. And I respect your decision but to be with him because of God? You sure that it's from God? If you are using the same verse, he practically twisted it... I don't know... AHHH!! I am losing myself...


And as I try to calm myself.. Today's daily bread is psalm 46... Be still and know that I am God... So it struck me... Because it was only last Sunday that I shared with the youths of doubting God... So... I am not doing what I am preaching... Forgiveness I ask, Lord... For doubting this and that... And dwelling on the things that I shouldn't be... Lord... Please... clear my mind.... I really... need You... And... Perhaps answers... for her... Not for me... Help her and guide her Lord... Don't let her make mistakes again.. Lord... I just need to know... If this is really from you... Lord... Please help me forgive my dad... And I pray that you will keep him safe... Give me too opportunity to tell him about You... Lord... I really... don't want to be lost anymore... Guide me....