Communication...

I think we have misunderstandings everywhere... And I am not sure apart from my family(couzies mostly), girlfriend and a few friends, who actually reads this blog... Lately, I feel strains everywhere... To be honest... To be entirely truthful, I am sick and tired of it...

I think we have communication problems... I think some of you do not like some things I did or maybe something that I did that I don't even know about... Or maybe you just don't like me...

I always maintain that my friends are incredibly important for me... Yes, being me, sometimes I feel I ignored some of you... I am sorry for that.... Truly I am... But these days... I feel a certain restrain from you all... I feel, we don't have that connection anymore... What happened? What did I do? Or perhaps... some of you don't like my girlfriend? Or my attitude? I don't understand the sudden boycott... Or am I just thinking too much?


And please don't deny that there's nothing wrong with us. There definitely is something wrong with us... The sudden aggression, the sudden everything... There must be a problem with me... I don't know what it is... but i can sense that your attitudes are changing... And it breaks my heart to think that you all have not been at all honest with me...


Friends, sometimes, we are the biggest hypocrites in the world... Maybe I did something that was against what we agreed on... I am sorry if I did... But for me to know that I have hurt my friends through other people's mouth, it hurts... real deep... I know you all care for me... I am thankful... I know that sometimes, words can hurt... But if you don't tell me those words yourselves, it hurts even more... For me to come to realisation of this sudden miscommunication we had... It took a long while... I was denying the very problem that was set before us... Now, I hope I still have time to save it back..

Because you loved me...

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I'll be forever thankful baby

You're the one who held me up

Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You were always there for me

The tender wind that carried me

A light in the dark shining your love into my life

You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

by: Celine Dion

These words is what I wanna tell you... Please believe them... I am sorry for making life so hard for you... For being so ignorant to your feelings... For forcing you to think of things you never want to think about... But dearest... I am everything I am... Because you loved me... And I love you too... Please believe that this is true... That my love to you is true... and not because of anything else...

Acknowledged...

Back in the days when all was dark, it's so hard to see (duh!) the things around me and appreciate them. Maybe I even blinded myself and built walls that were so hard to break down. I seriously think there are issues with myself which needs to be addressed but till then, I have to be careful with what I say and do.

I acknowledged them and I am changing... I think I am a bit different now... At least I think I am...

Thanks to those who had helped me much... I am so grateful that God has placed you guys and girls in my life... You make a difference...

Alone

Hmm... don't really know what to do or say here... Just unfamiliar but what can I do? This is to atone my mistakes. So here am I, alone in PA block to repeat the horrendous subject called Web Page Design. OH well, better than extending some might say. So true...


To be honest, I haven't eaten breakfast and by right, my tummy would be screaming for food but today... Just don't feel like eating... Sick of eating... *Munch munch munch chew chew chew then swallow swallow swallow. And whatever sh*t that you eat, in the end, it becomes well... sh*t... Yea, gastric... Whatever...

I don't know myself anymore. I don't know the people around me anymore... I think I am in an identity crisis. Serious? Ya... Urgency to resolve problem? Yes... Effort to resolve problem? Lacking. Why? Because I don't know how to. Yea right.


Maybe, possibly, being alone is what I need... Maybe, possibly, there are things that I need to do alone. Problems that I have to face alone. Because... I don't know... I am not sure myself... Because, there's no one to really want to listen to me... Yea... Time... is what everybody need... Some time... But... how long? 1 week? 1 month? 1 year? 10 years? I don't know. What I know is people like to contradict themselves. They will say things like "I can help you but I don't know how to" or "I don't know how to continue this with you but I still hope we can be friends" or something like that. Just... Am I so hate-able to face and talk to? Maybe, avoiding is always the best option for humans. I remember avoiding serious issues with my mom or friends and they turned ugly...


You know, I am honest and I will say I love my dad but hate him for what he's done. I even swear I won't do the things he did but in the end, without knowing it... Sometimes, I do act like my dad... Sometimes, I do talk like him... Even tho I hate it... So I am contradicting myself. Not until recently, that I am bugged with the question... "Who am I really?"...


I have lost passion in everything.... Yes... Everything... Studies, God, my dreams, everyone, myself and.. life... I lost the passion to even live... I am only existing now... And guess what? The only person who can pull me up is myself. Urgh... Talk about ironic. Perhaps, that's why... That nothing is working out. There are times, that I just want to go by the day by not doing anything. By staring at the ceiling or fan or the computer screen. You know... I even don't know how to cry or smile genuinely anymore. Or so it seems. Whatever... I live to exist to fill in some gap in some people's lives and then I'll disappear as a distant memory anyway... Disappointed? You will be... Because I am too...


Forget it... Forget about passion... Forget about dreams... Forget about ambitions... Down the road, they will be forgotten... Because they cannot be achieved... I would like to prove this statement wrong but it's increasingly difficult because that's how the world has turned out to be. For now... All I want to do is finish my studies... Get a job, get some money, support my family. Yea... That would be nice... Maybe someday when I am old, and I can look back to these dreams I had and laugh at myself for being silly to dream those dreams... Well, a man can dream, can't he? Perhaps... Time will tell... Scars? Aplenty... Broken? Shattered... Numb? Totally...

Need I say more?

this is one hell of a timetable

Pitch Black Darkness

It descends without a sound,

Without a note of alert.

But with suddenness and abruptness.

The drums of desperation began to sound,

The cries of the unforgiven began to shierk

And soon gloom is what of left.

The joy was overrun with sorrow.

The light taken over,

And its evil pleasure and cruelty fell upon the unfortunate.

Breaking all hopes and shattering what faith left.

Along with it comes the wind.

The cold almighty wind.

Blowing furiously to spread fear and distress.

The darkness began to take place.

All chaos began to break loose.

All hearts began to waver.

All in the pitch black darkness.

No Way Out

There's no way out.

There's no way of escaping.

There's no way of seeing another ray of light.

There's definitely no way out.

Round and round, turning without a direction to follow.

Walking with heavy legs and mind.

Trying to wake up from the nightmare that has descended.

There's no way out, the mind keeps telling.

All hope is lost, the heart keeps repeating.

No one, no one will help you, the believe keeps reminiscing.

There's no way out of this turmoil.

Unless, unless, the glimpse of light that caught the eye earlier reappears again.

But it was small and far.

And is there a way to reach it?

No way at all... No way at all....

A dead end is reached.

A harsh end of the road.

The hands feel the tall and mighty wall that stands in front of it.

Cold and cruel it felt.

Thumping the walls,

Trying in vain to somehow bring down the wall.

But to no avail.

Make haste the feet says, before the end comes.

And turning back to the road taken.

The stretch as far as the eye can see is nothing but pitch black darkness.

Will the end be met here?

There's no way out...

=(

the title says it all...