Alone

Hmm... don't really know what to do or say here... Just unfamiliar but what can I do? This is to atone my mistakes. So here am I, alone in PA block to repeat the horrendous subject called Web Page Design. OH well, better than extending some might say. So true...


To be honest, I haven't eaten breakfast and by right, my tummy would be screaming for food but today... Just don't feel like eating... Sick of eating... *Munch munch munch chew chew chew then swallow swallow swallow. And whatever sh*t that you eat, in the end, it becomes well... sh*t... Yea, gastric... Whatever...

I don't know myself anymore. I don't know the people around me anymore... I think I am in an identity crisis. Serious? Ya... Urgency to resolve problem? Yes... Effort to resolve problem? Lacking. Why? Because I don't know how to. Yea right.


Maybe, possibly, being alone is what I need... Maybe, possibly, there are things that I need to do alone. Problems that I have to face alone. Because... I don't know... I am not sure myself... Because, there's no one to really want to listen to me... Yea... Time... is what everybody need... Some time... But... how long? 1 week? 1 month? 1 year? 10 years? I don't know. What I know is people like to contradict themselves. They will say things like "I can help you but I don't know how to" or "I don't know how to continue this with you but I still hope we can be friends" or something like that. Just... Am I so hate-able to face and talk to? Maybe, avoiding is always the best option for humans. I remember avoiding serious issues with my mom or friends and they turned ugly...


You know, I am honest and I will say I love my dad but hate him for what he's done. I even swear I won't do the things he did but in the end, without knowing it... Sometimes, I do act like my dad... Sometimes, I do talk like him... Even tho I hate it... So I am contradicting myself. Not until recently, that I am bugged with the question... "Who am I really?"...


I have lost passion in everything.... Yes... Everything... Studies, God, my dreams, everyone, myself and.. life... I lost the passion to even live... I am only existing now... And guess what? The only person who can pull me up is myself. Urgh... Talk about ironic. Perhaps, that's why... That nothing is working out. There are times, that I just want to go by the day by not doing anything. By staring at the ceiling or fan or the computer screen. You know... I even don't know how to cry or smile genuinely anymore. Or so it seems. Whatever... I live to exist to fill in some gap in some people's lives and then I'll disappear as a distant memory anyway... Disappointed? You will be... Because I am too...


Forget it... Forget about passion... Forget about dreams... Forget about ambitions... Down the road, they will be forgotten... Because they cannot be achieved... I would like to prove this statement wrong but it's increasingly difficult because that's how the world has turned out to be. For now... All I want to do is finish my studies... Get a job, get some money, support my family. Yea... That would be nice... Maybe someday when I am old, and I can look back to these dreams I had and laugh at myself for being silly to dream those dreams... Well, a man can dream, can't he? Perhaps... Time will tell... Scars? Aplenty... Broken? Shattered... Numb? Totally...