We are not perfect...

Tired... Fatigued... Nothing can be done... I have yet again... Pushed my body a bit wee to far... But I wanna finish the researching as fast as I can so that we can get the assignment going... For now... I wish I can go home... But no! I have to persevere through... Even if fatigue rears its ugly head... Sometimes I just hate myself... I am broken inside but I don't want to admit... That makes God hard to reach me... I just like to hide from problems like a coward... I just like to laugh it all away when things are just not that simple... I am lost sometimes but too arrogant to ask for directions again... I don't know what to do sometimes... I just feel that this insomnia probably even happened to me because of my own stubbornness... Yea... It's so out of line... Out of context sometimes... What I am thinking... But I just have to move forward... Yea... I just need to do that... God... I need You...


Humans are not perfect they say... But you know what? Sometimes people expect you to be perfect... Sometimes people want just so much of you that there's no place to breathe... Sometimes, you hurt yourself because you succumb to the pressure... Sometimes, you really need a shoulder, a bear hug and the customary saying of "everything's gonna be all right..." but you just can't find one... Sometimes, you can't admit that you are hurt, alone, deserted and lost because... You don't want to be a burden to others... You try to tackle the problems alone... You try to solve it... You try to fight every single battle, every single war by yourself... But one thing we always always fail to realise is that often a one-man-army is the reason, the cause of our own demise... We realise this but we are just too stubborn to admit that we need a helping hand... Me included...


"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." -John 15:13-


See? Even the Bible says such things... There are wars and battles that we need to fight alone but there are also those that we need a helping hand... More often than not, we always fail to know that our friends want to help and that they care and love us... The code of "anytime, anywhere, need me? Call me..." is always ignored... Me included again... Sometimes, I just don't want to see other people suffer or crack their brain just because they wanted to share my burdens... You too, right? Sometimes... I want to talk to someone... But... I just can't help but ponder that I will be very annoying or even an extra burden for that person if I do so...



Like I said, we are not perfect... I am not perfect... But there are things that I need to sort out myself... I thank you all for helping me but now... It's between God and me... I feel I am drifting away again... See? Another thing that I hate about myself... I hate the very fact that I declare that I love God but I tend to fall so easily, lose faith that quickly... How am I gonna let God use me if I am so pathetic? I really need to get back on track... Really need to take things more of God, less of the world...


Found yet another song that spoke what I thought of when it all happened... The dreadful day... Oh... It's by Christina Aguilera... The name of the song is Hurt...

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today, ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

Sometimes I really want someone to smack some senses into my head... Can you do that for me?

The culprit named Roti Susu

It was a lovely night, I guess. My body is very... well... intelligent. There's gonna be yet another Arsenal match tonight and Liverpool's the opposition. Well, to be more specific it's 'tonight' for the Londoners and 'morning' for us, Malaysians... The match is gonna be shown live at 3.40am. As usual, there are no kaki bolas around and I had to watch it myself again. I slept at about 11 something yesterday. And when I said my body is very intelligent... I mean it. Because whenever there's a football match at the wee hours of the morning, it will automatically 'switch-off'' early in the night... If not, I'd slept at 1 or 2 a.m. as usual.


Now, I remember the last time I watched this darn sport live at the mamak. And it was an unpleasant experience... Read my previous posts and you'll know why... So this time... I am gonna play safe... One roti susu and one teh ais and that's it... No more, no less... Again! There were no seats left... So I had to share... Worst of all... They were smokers (no offense cigarette lovers but do you realize you are killing us?)... And foul-mouthed as well! Imagine, every foul and missed scoring chances are accompanied by the 'f ' word and other chinese vulgar words... Gosh... And they do it CONSISTENTLY! So definitely my mood was rather bad tho I was supposed to be happy cos I chatted with somebody and also because of Arsenal... lolz.. The bachelor's life eh? Surrounded by coffee, football, mamak, teh ais, roti susu... Shall I go on?


And I'd got my food and drink rather late because of the amount of people (did I mention that some of them has rather peculiar smell? Or is it just me who haven't really woke up?)... Any way, By the time, I finished the roti susu and teh ais... It was 2-1 to the ARSENAL! Haha! Darn happy... But about 10 minutes later, I have this nausea feeling.... It was like deja-vu all over again... I was like "oh man! Not again?"... Thank God I was able to finish watching that match... ER... That's something to be thankful about right? haha!


So I went home and lie rather uneasy on my bed... And I found out... Something! Argh! Like I said, I like to do stupid things without me realising it... So Yea... This nausea feeling is caused by that stupid piece of bread... That roti susu!! Now I know that roti susu don't go well with teh ais... Darn it! And the stupid bread is one of my favourite mamak delicacy... Tho a bit sweet and fatty... But darn it... I officially named the roti susu as the culprit of this nausea feelings... HEY YOU! YEA! YOU! DARN ROTI SUSU! YOU ARE ARRESTED WITH THE CHARGE OF MAKING ISAIAH NAUSEATED! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENCE AND WHATEVER YOU SAY WILL BE USED AGAISNT YOU IN THE COURT OF BAD FOOD DEPARTMENT!


I am just being lame, aren't I? XP

Kisah Cintaku... (Peter pan)

di malam yang sesunyi ini
aku sendiri tiada yang menemani
akhirnya kini kusadari dia telah pergi
tinggalkan diriku

adakah semua kan terulang
kisah cintaku yang seperti dulu

hanya dirimu yang kucinta dan kukenang
di dalam hatiku takkan pernah hilang
bayangan dirimu
untuk selamanya

mengapa terjadi kepada dirimu
aku tak percaya kau telah tiada
haruskah kupergi
tinggalkan dunia agar aku dapat berjumpa denganmu...

You know... I love this song a lot... I listen to it a lot lately... Maybe it's cos of the lyrics... But... All I want to say is... That smile will be in my heart forever... Friends... I wouldn't want to question anymore... I wouldn't want to keep thinking about it anymore... But rest assured... Ears, shoulders and hugs... If you need them... They will be available for you... Thanks for helping me through... XD

The Secret of the Sleepless Night revealed

Yea... I have to admit... After telling you all why I didn't sleep the other night, most of you will probably be pissed off or annoyed or want to beat me up.. I overly panicked over such a thing... Pretty much had a sleepless night after a night of watching football. Well it's a must watch match even if I support neither of the teams. This match is between Manchester United and Liverpool... Two of the biggest teams in the English Premier League... One of the most furious and over hyped rivalries in the football world... So I must go watch lest my kaki bola back in Taiping say I am outdated! Haha!! *ahem*... I actually went to the mamak 5 minutes late and by then, there were hardly any seats left... And worse of all no one was wearing their teams' jersey... So sharing table is definitely out... Cos I was gonna root for Liverpool... All the anti-MU fans will know why... Haha! So I don't want to be sitting near the MU fans when I am rooting for Liverpool, MU fans will chop my head off... Lolz...


So this is what happened... I found a seat at the corner and sat down... It was quite uncomfortable cos the TV screen is so darn small and it was high up... So imagine how my neck suffered... I am not freaking gonna talk about the match or else I would make my blog look like the footies blog...


This is what I did... It's foolishness, I know... I sat down, and ordered a roti susu and teh ais... Finished eating and drinking by half time... And (darn it!) I got thirsty again... Seriously, I ran out of ideas to order drinks... So I go by the custom of teh ais... That's TWO teh ais... ok... Drink drink... By this time, Liverpool was winning 2-0 (in your face MU!)... Maybe it's cos of too much shouting and sighing... I got thirsty again... The match already finished but it was ARSENAL's game next so I just have to watch. THIRD teh ais... And a roti kosong to go with it... Makan habis , minum habis, another teh ais! That's FOUR!


Gosh, can you believe it? I can't too... But after analysing it, I must... haha! So, that's the secret of it... I guess I can stil sleep after four cups of coffee but not tea... So darn it! I actually can't sleep cos of teh ais! Argh... Sometimes, I feel I like to do stupid things without me realising it... haha! Oh well, I am ready to be bombarded by you all cos of the FOUR cups of TEH AIS... HAVE MERCYYYYYYY!!

Hmm...

Hmm... I can't seem to sleep... No matter how hard I try... The strange thing is... I am not thinking of anything... I am not worrying about anything... So what's the matter with me? So what's wrong? I can't seem to sleep... And this sudden nausea feelings... Something is wrong... But what? Hmm... Really don't like this... 2 more hours to my 'waking-up' time...

All I need is You, Lord

Left my fear by the side of the road
I hear You speak, won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your Spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again

Where would my soul be without Your Son?
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

'Cause all I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

'Cause all I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

All I need is You, You, You
'Cause all I need is You
'Cause all I need is You
All I need is You

'Cause all I need is You
And all I need is You

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You

All I need is You
You, Jesus
You save my soul, You make me whole
I'm new because of You

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, yeah, You hold

You hold the universe
And You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You, Jesus

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord
All I need is You

All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

Every line, every stanza is so true... Every word reflects what I am thinking now... The truth is I don't need anything else... All I need is You, Lord... You Hold the universe... Humans are so feeble... As so often... When we stand back up after afflictions... We tend to fall right back in it again... I learnt one very important lesson today... Joshua 1:5... "I will never leave you nor forsake you..." thus saith the Lord... As usual... Sometimes we take for granted this verse... Something which I do very much often... Dawn jie say, no matter how much we abandon God... How many times we have turned away from Him and yet He... Never ever left us alone.. He remains faithful us... Because... even if we keep denying Him... He can't deny Himself... And thus in actual fact... I really don't need anything else... Because... God is love... God is everything...


Like Dawn jie said... Bad thoughts are not from God... I have to move on... Everyone is helping me... A lot of people care for me... A lot of people is helping me to stand... Helping me to move on... I cannot let them down... Cos... One way or another... God sent them to me... If I let them down, I am letting God down as well... I have to wake up from my foolishness.. To an extend, all depression times... All dark tunnels will end... With light at the end... But I am glad... That this Light is not at the end... Because it's all around me... Can you feel it? It's warm... It's full of love... Full of faith... Full of hope... Can you feel it? It's... the best embrace one could ever get... Because that Light... never goes off... Cos... God says... He will never leave us alone... Thank You, Lord... You are always... with us... Forever...

Can you...

Can you, o tears, stop flowing?
Stop flowing down in streams?
Every drop, every tear, a memory unfailing,
Every drop, every tear, a feeling unfading.

Can you, o heart, stop beating?
Stop beating for a lost feeling?
Every beat, every pump, a fear never-ending,
Every beat, every pump, a lost wanderer crying.

Can you, o mind, stop thinking?
Stop thinking to stop questioning?
Every why, every how, a cruel reminding,
Every why, every how, just a man dreaming.

Can you, o eyes stop searching?
Stop searching for that past happenings?
Every sight, every light, a waiting,
Every sight, every light, a precious leaving.

Can you, o ears stop listening?
Stop listening to stop missing?
Every sound, every voice, a vain hoping,
Every sound, every voice, a lost dreaming.

Can you, o hands stop feeling?
Stop feeling for something?
Every touch, every feel, a useless wanting,
Every touch, every feel, a fool needing.

Can you, o lips, stop calling?
Stop calling to stop sinking?
Every noise, every call, a tunnel echoing,
Every noise, every call, a naive wondering.

Can you, o tears, heart,
mind, eyes, and ears,
and hands and lips,
Stop?
Stop to stop dwelling?
Stop to stop this tale, resurfacing?
Can you?

Love Story

It's been a long time since I heard that song... Yea... Very long... I can't even remember... Was it a month ago? Or just a few weeks ago? Hah... My memory is really failing me nowadays... Woke up late today... I can't sleep... AGAIN! Yea... So decided to appear offline in MSN just so nobody knows I am still awake... opps... Secret exposed... =.='''.... In any case... I did manage to get some sleep and in the morning, I was awaken by Loong Kun... Saying they are going to the digital mall... I had nothing to do today... So I went with them... Them being Adrian, Kun, Esther Lee and Ru... So we went there by bus... Ru on the mission to get his CPU fixed... Feel honoured, man... You got 4 other people following you... haha! Just kidding... Adrian continues his pursue for a camera... Esther with her cable hunting and Kun, his mouse hunting... Me? Cooling pad and a nice laptop skin for my lappie... Haha!


We went to digital mall first to get the CPU fixed... Walked around a lil and finally... Er... Or maybe, unfortunately, the repair man can't find anything wrong with the CPU... Darn... So where to put the CPU now? Cos we were planning to go to KL... We went for lunch first and there we all decided to chuck the CPU into the locker in the digi mall... Er.. not literally of course... Anyway, we went first to Times Square... Ok... I admit... I went to Starbucks... Gosh there were so many of 'em and the temptation was soooooooooo great! So me bought a grande caramel with whip cream on the top... Yummiez~~... Then Ru bought a watch I think and then we went to Low Yat... Gosh... First time being there and was a bit startled... The amount of computers... The amount of gadgets... The amount of people! The amount of their scent... =.='''... Me don't like crowded places... haha!!


Finally got my cooling pad and an ARSENAL laptop skin!!! Haha! So darn happy cos Arsenal is favourite football club... And the laptop skin with its emblem... YES! PERFECTO~... Kun suggested we go to Sungai Wang which was just next door and so we went... Tho the legs are sore... Walked round and round and just when I thought it was gonna be a good day... This song... Love Story played in one of the shops... I...Lost the ability to smile at that instant... Tho I had to fake it in front of them... That song... Was our song... Yes... She and me... Our song... It was the song she sang to me... And the song which kept our believe in our love... It was the very song that I love to listen to... I can even sing it without the music... A song which reflects on us so truly...


"Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel,
This love is difficult but it's real,
Don't be afraid, we'll get out of this mess,
It's a love story, baby just say yes."


This particular stanza pulled us through a lot of hard times... Perhaps... Not this time... At this very moment... I have been living in self denial... I kept saying things like "it's ok... I don't need to love her anymore...", "she's got a better guy now." or anything like that... I am denying how I feel... This love is difficult... But it's REAL... REAL!! This is not some puppy love! This is not two kiddos trying to figure out what's love! This is not two people who... wanted to separate in the first place.. Why does our love story has to be yet another fairy tale? Why??? Maybe we are too young?? I don't know... I DON"T KNOW! Why... I kept asking myself... Or rather I keep asking God... Why... (sorry dawn jie and esther jie for dragging myself into this again... I am just... useless aren't I?)


I cannot fathom why... It was all too true... too cruel... Too cold... Too... numb... Harsh reality... That's what they call it... Our love... is... true... But our love story... It's just a fairy tale... A harsh fairy tale... A tale of a meant-to-be who can't be....... Somehow... I wished... I never have existed in her life... At least... At least... She won't be in this much pain... Or perhaps... It's me who can't accept the very fact that she is not the one??


The other day... She said her heart is at peace now... Tho there are persecutions anywhere... I can't help it but to think that her time with me... Last time... Was her heart not at peace? Perhaps... It's me... Perhaps... It's my selfishness... Perhaps it's my self centered-ness.... Perhaps... I put too much pressure on her... It's ME... ME! I.......... am the one... who destroyed this love story.... I am sorry... Sorry... Sorry.... Now... Empty promises fill this love story... Promises that I can never fulfill anymore... I am sorry... Sorry............. I don't know what to say...



But... I am happy... Happy to the very fact that he will indeed be a better guy for her than me... Happy that he will appreciate her more... Happy that... that... he can... fulfill the promises in my behalf... At least, that's what I hope... Am glad that her heart is at peace... Not in pain... Not in darkness... I don't care if I have to be alone... I don't care if I am to take in all the pain... I don't care.... All I want, pray and hope is that you... yes... you... can be happy... and never lose that smile... I don't care... Don't you dare give up that smile...



I don't know how to feel now... Love Story... Keep playing in my heart... Cos... even if it's just a fairy tale... But you showed me what does it truly feel like to love and to be loved... Thank you.... for appearing in my life.... Sorry for the tears..........

Numbness of the Heart

Sometimes being numb is quite a good thing... Not being able to feel anything... And what's more... Sometimes being numb means we don't need to do anything... How great is that? But that doesn't apply to the heart... When there's numbness in the heart... Your world crumbles...


That's what I feel anyway... Yes... My world did crumble a few weeks back... Everything seem dark and gloom... So lost... So dark... But I have seen the light now... Thank You, Lord... If she can move on... Why can't I? If so many thousands of people are having the worse nightmare of their lives and they are able to move on, why can't I? It's not the end of the world... God says He has a plan for me... I couldn't ask for more.. If you wanna put in worldly terms... I guess... There are still lots of 'fishes' in this world... Lolz... Tho fish like her is hard to come by... (at this moment, dawn jie will probably say, "what the FISH?" haha!~ jk jk)


Ok... Well... I gotta be honest I guess... My heart.. Yes... The real one... The one which goes 'doob-doob!" and is pumping blood to my whole body... Yea... This heart... I think... Well basically... It goes numb every morning... Then it affects my palms... They go numb and I will go nuts... Anyway... Gotta sit up straight for about 3 minutes and they will be gone... Hm... Time for a medical check up again? Maybe... At least, I am not depressed anymore... And what's more, there are people who care about me... Yes, even her... Tho very vague... Haha! Anyway.. I am just glad, I can get over this depression stage this fast... I just want to thank my friends and those who cared for me all this while... I never got a chance to say thank you for curing this numbness in my heart... And never got the chance to say to you all... Yea... I love you all...

p.s. I am ready to face the world with you guys... Together-gether? XD

Thou art Great...

In times of darkness,
In times of peace,
In times of lost,
In times of gain,
Thou art there.


Thou art the light in the darkness,
Thou art the joy in storms,
Thou art the love in hatred,
Thou art the forgiveness in the lost,
Thou art the rich for the poor.


And there in the garden of Gethsemane,
Thou prayed for me,
And there in calvary,
Thou art cruficied for my shame,
And there from the grave,
Thou rose again.


Thou blood cleansed'th me clean,
Thou grace save'th me from pain,
Thou mercy spared'th me death,
Thou light show'th me truth,
Thou love reveal'th me rest.


And thou name exalted,
Over all the earth,
Every knee bow'th,
Every toungue confess,
Thou art Great,
Thou art Savior,
Thou art Christ Jesus,
God's only begotten Son...

Do the right thing... Make the right decisions...

It's one of those days when things are going real fine only to be ruined at the moment when we least expect it... Today... Is the first time since... we separated that I got so worried... Yea... Her sis and friend said she left home... Run away... I thought I'd be ok... I thought I won't worry that much because she's not mine anymore... Who am I to worry? Who am I to judge where she's gone to? Who am I to say what she can or cannot do? She's a grown up... She can think... She can make decisions... And yes... Most importantly she has God... But NO... I was wrong... I was worried... I was scared that something bad might happen... I couldn't keep a cool head... I am afraid... Very afraid... that... that... I might not be able to see her again.. Then I realise... I am still... very much in love...


I started calling her sis and her friends... Called her mobile but she switched it off... I was panicking... Then... A voice in my heart told me to pray... And I did... Tears welled up in my eyes... And this is what God said to me:

" In life, there're struggles.
In relationships, there're heart breaks.
In work, there're problems and competitions.
In family, there are cracks.
But in Me, there're hope, peace, rest, love and patience.
Seek Me... Cast Me your burdens...
Don't worry too much...
Trust Me... For in Me only you shall find joy..."
Thus saith the Lord.

Yes... Only in Him... Can I trust now... And truly enough, after a long wait... She text me... "I am safe... Don't worry.."... I really felt like asking why... I really wanted to nag her, well so to speak... But I suppose... Her family is worried sick and most probably is nagging her already... As a friend... I need to support her... So I didn't ask... I can only pray for peace for her... And God... Thank You for teaching me another lesson... It's only too true that in times of real afflictions that we tend to forget You... Who You really are and what You can do... We forget that You are the almighty God... And that... You love us so much... You wouldn't want us harmed or hurt... You wouldn't abandon us... You always want the best for us... I thank You, Lord... My Father...


As I try to call it a day... I wonder... Dear... Are you... Ok? Do you need a shoulder? Do you need... a hug? Dear... I am sorry, k? I hope and pray that better times are ahead of you... Don't ever lose faith... Even if you don't know about this blog's existence... I hope you can still hear my heart in the stillness of the night... Have faith, dear... God never fails... Have faith... Do the right thing... Make the right decisions in Him, through Him... Good night, my dearest...

Embarking on a New Journey

It's never easy to be alone... It's nice to have someone by your side... Offering hugs or maybe light pecks to the cheek... It's beautiful to look into someone's eyes and know, without them saying a word, what they feel about you... That's a luxury that I don't have now...

And so today... It's the new beginning on a new journey... As my pastor calls it... A journey of Pain... Trials, pains, sufferings and discouragement will come along the way... Sometimes... It does seems unfair... Sometimes... We wonder why God couldn't have done more... Sometimes... We blame God for things that went wrong... But we tend to forget that He holds all the answers... It's sem 2... And today... I actually found out that God has given me wonderful blessings in my life that I never really knew... One is friends... And two... My CF members... They kept me up during these hard times... And so foolish of me to ever said I am always alone... Now I know I am not...


God works in very special ways... God works in wonderful ways... Which sometimes seem to us, a bit weird... But God knows best... That's what I learnt... And truly... God does... On the way back from bus yesterday... And I cried... Again... Yea... It was all good but when the pain comes back, it stings my chest... I just had to cry... While doing that... I kept praying and also texting messages to Dawn Jie and Esther jie and even her... And these 3 people did propel me up abit... I finally let go of whatever thoughts and dreams and feelings that kept me so down... Don't get me wrong tho... I still love her... Haha!! Just that... I learn to see in a new perspective... If God says now it's not the time... We gotta let go... And in this new journey... God is right... To love is to let go, sometimes... Don't worry about the future... I have a plan for you... Thank You, Lord... Thank You

The art of being Depressed...

YES... I admit... I am falling into depression... I am more aware and alert... I am so afraid now... I am so so so so so scared... I don't know what to do... I don't know if I should cry... I don't know if I have to go bang my head into the wall just so I can have some sleep... I don't want to be doing and focusing on something and suddenly, tears would just flow... I don't want to let go and yet I must... I don't like being like this, I don't like to be emo... I want to smile and yet I can't... I want to laugh as hard as I could and yet I can't... I know what I have to do but I don't want to because it is not born out of a sincere heart... So this is the art of being depressed... Being so confused, so indirected in everything, so lost and so hopeless and lifeless...


Ok... So I know the problem now... I must solve it... I must climb back up after this fall... I cannot just stay defeated... But... I don't know how... So I muster up all my courage and told her I am sorry for being cold to her yesterday... You know it's so stupid... I've been waiting and waiting for the whole day for her text message... And when she finally does text me, I just turn her a cold shoulder... What an idiot... But it's so complicated... I don't know how to react... Ok ok... enough of that.. And ok, I did feel a lil bit better... but still very much down and blue and whatever stupid trash thoughts still haunt me... And after that... I tossed and turn and tossed and turn in my bed for about two hours and finally, I give in to my eyes and say, "look, dudes.. If you want to cry, just cry, would ya?"... And so they did... Cried for another hour and still can't sleep... Oh gosh, WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME??? That question, I have no idea who it is directed to but I think it's mostly to the devil...



From that moment, got out of bed, switched on my laptop, went to dawn jie's blog and searched... and AH HA! The teletubby methodology... Yes... I need it... So I followed the steps... hey if it worked on someone, why not me? Besides... I really don't feel like talking to anyone... Lest I hurt their feelings... So:

Step 1 : Take a DEEP breathe. And say (MEAN it as you voice it out), "Dear God, I love you." (* acknowledge that HE created us and thus understands us and loves us best Himself. Respond to His love)

Step 2 : Let out the air in your lungs slowly and tell God, " Please help me out here... I really need you..." ( * understand nothing is too great a problem for our Big God)


And guessed what? It did worked! Ok.. At least, I did have some sleep... And sorry dawn jie for directly copying it out of your blog... Haha! Cos I am still new at this... but it does help... And kudos to teletubby bro for founding such a method to counteract the stupid lies and thoughts... All praises go to God... And right... All true that Nothing is too great a problem for our BIG GOD... I believe... This will soon be over... This art of being depressed being erased in my life...

Just for you

The cold night wind blows
As I stare into the starless sky
As tears flows down from spark-less eyes
I kept asking why


Don't you know...
Your smile always light up the whole town...
Don't you know...
It will only be seen by someone else now...
So I wonder...

Will you remember this song?
This song is just for you
To take us back to the distant memories...

Will you remember this song?
This song is just for you
Maybe... Just maybe...
That you will remember...
I miss you too...

I am staying up tonight
To relive and dwell in the days
When we used to look into each other's eyes
And know what love means...

Don't you know?
It's all a dream now, a recurring dream...
Don't you know?
This story is just another fairy tale
So I wonder...


Will you remember this song?
This song is just for me...
To let me feel your arms around me...
To feel the touch of your hands again...

Will you remember this song?
This song is just for you...
Hoping that it will tell you...
That yes, dear...
I still love you...

Defeated at Maxwell Hill... (darn it!)

Went mountain... er... I mean hill trekking today... It was the first time in a year since I came back to conquer this hill yet again... I was confident that I will make it to the top today... I was sure that this will probably take my mind of the things that happened to me for the past few days... WRONG! So wrong... Today I found out about a very dreadful thing... My worst nightmare... I guess you can call it that... My heart... It was pumping faster than usual and pounding my chest, literally... And that was half way up the hill... Maybe it's just that I haven't been exercising for a while or it's the coffee that 's acting up... But never ever ever in my life that my heart will beat so hard and fast... So I sat down and I guess blood was rushing to my head... I could feel my arteries beating to the same beat of my heart... Nearly blacked out but thank God for Kok Yaw... He was there... Kept me company even though I asked him to carry on climbing with the others... Then my hands grew numb and I know I cannot sit any longer... So I told him that I was gonna go back down... And hence.. For the first time... I am defeated at Maxwell Hill... Maybe it's no big deal... Maybe I can do it again one day but I doubt it now... Maybe... I should've gone for the scan... Darn it... Darn it all...



I was scared and my first reflex would be taking up the phone and text to her about it... But when I took out the phone... I realize... "She's not with me anymore..."... And so I kept my phone again... I was so angry with myself... WHY I CAN'T JUST GET OVER IT??? Maybe like people said... It's gonna take time... Well, I hope not too long! Then they said wanna go swimming... So okiez.. I agreed hoping that this will definitely take my mind off here... And when I reach that place... The moment I stepped into the water... Yes... YOu guessed it right... I thought about her again... Because our second date was at the water fall in Kampar.. This is a swimming pool tho but I could actually see her... So afraid of the water... Wading so carefully, and cute... How I missed that moment... How I wished that I could just turn back time... Not to change anything but just to see... See that lovely smile... And her cute clumsiness in the water... ISAIAH!! SNAP OUT OF IT NOW!!!!! And I managed to pull myself together again...


Today... I wonder... How she is doing... I cannot muster the courage to text her a message... No... I can't... I cannot muster the courage to send her the pics that I used to do... No.. Because... She's not with me anymore... I hope she will be taking a good rest today... Maybe take a day off... Go pak to or do anything she likes... Maybe... Maybe... I was hoping... No... I am hoping that... She will remember me here... Hah... Big deal, Isaiah... Can't you just move forward? Well.. Can I just dwell here a lil longer... I don't want those images to disappear... I don't want her smile to disappear in me... No... I can't... I couldn't just let it all fade away... She... means... so much to me... Yes.. It was short but... I... still... Love her... Perhaps she is too...



And so because of these thoughts, I punished myself.. I skipped lunch... Well... never good to harm your body like that... I know... I really hope that I won't be defeated again... So... I understand now that from being very important to important to less important to fade away... Because it hurts both sides... One for being neglected, the other for letting go the memories and feelings... Lord.. please help her to forget all this pain...


p.s. I will always love you... Please... Just be happy... Forget about me... I hope you are doing so... Though you will never ever get to read this blog...

Changing...

I must be breaking records... Two posts in a day? Just want to end today on a positive note... I talked to two wonderful people in my life today... Dawn jie and Esther jie... And both offered wonderful words of encouragement and advice. I just thank God for them... At least now I know who to find and you know... Let it all out like they say... Sorry ya? Always ma fan you all... Menyusahkan sahaja...


Esther jie is right... I need to stop making an excuse for myself and also for her that God wants us to separate... In fact... I believe... We chose... this... I don't know... But it's time to look forward... It's time to stop looking back to the past.. Like I always believed... If we are meant to be... We will be... So I respect her decision. It's finished.. Done deal.. Full stop... And Enough... I am done with all these... I urge my readers... er.. for now only got two... Feel free to slap me, hit me or whack me with a freaking long concrete pole if you ever find me wondering into relationships again... Ok.. that's a bit too cruel but you get my point... Haha!!


As of today, 15 October 2009, 11:44pm... I decide that I will change... Change to be a better man, a better friend, a better son, and most importantly, a better child of God... I want to change by God... I want to be what He wants me to be... Because He knows best...I mean... No harm in waiting right? So be patient... And Lord... I haven't say this in a while now... But... I love YOU...

Useless!!!!

USELESS!! CAN"T EVEN RECOGNIZE THE ROAD TO THAT RESTAURANT? HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU DRIVE A CAR???

Exact same words that mom said to me this morning... I thought today will be a better day than yesterday... But no... So we were going for breakfast this morning and I accidentally took a wrong turn to the wrong restaurant... And another wrong turn again before going to the correct restaurant... Mom suddenly became so furious... I don't know what to say or how to react... Perhaps she's right... Right that I am useless... Cos I can't even drive to that restaurant... So how am I gonna survive in this world? I don't know... I think I just can't, sometimes... But God says He will carry me through..

After that, I came home... I cried... Gosh! I cried... Again... I hate this... I hate all of it... I blamed mom for reacting like this... I blamed that if she always randomly give me rants and stuff, how am I share what is in my heart? And there she is complaining that I don't talk to her anymore... Mom.. It's not that I don't want to talk to you but... I really don't know how to... I am not that small boy anymore... I am not what I was when I am 13... I've grown, mom... I know how to see things, how to intepret things... I know what is going on around me, CLEARLY... Mom... You didn't open up to me about dad even after numerous occasions when I try to talk about him... All your answer is he's a bad guy... So... Tell me , MOM! Tell me... How am I gonna share things with you when you can't share things with me? You are all I have left on this stinking earth and it breaks my heart because I can't even talk to you... Mom... I can't even tell you that I had a gf... I can't even tell you that I broke up.. I can't even let you see that my heart is broken... I can't... Because... I know how are you gonna react... I know what you are gonna say... Mom... You are wrong... You may have lots of knowledge but God controls everything... You maybe a smart woman but God can take it away... You are wrong that I can be like you when I just want to be myself... But mom... I still love you... I just hope you can just realize that I need more than a mom now... I need a friend... I am sorry... But please don't put high hopes on me... I just want to be normal... Because I know I am useless...


And yes... I better ask for forgiveness because... Yes.. I blame God... I blame that He can't give me a complete family... I blame Him for letting me go through heart breaks after heart breaks... I blame Him for not... Not letting me be... with her... I blame Him... But I also realize that by doing so, it's a training ground for me to reach out to the people who are and will be experiencing the same thing... I know that... I understand... But... It's unfair... But the world is unfair as well... Who am I to complain? Who am I to judge? Who am I to blame??? So I can only blame myself... For not putting enough efforts in doing all these things... I can only blame myself because I blame God when He knows best... and yes... What Dawn jie says is true... God has never promised a smooth path... Never promised that peace is without pain... I maybe useless in some people but I am useful in the Lord... Wrong timing? perhaps... Tis... is the very first time I had been serious about a relationship... And I think... it's just a trial for us to go through... At least, that's what I hope it is...

I remember my pastor saying, if God wants you to leave her, would you do so?? I said yes... Immediately in fact.. And so, now I have done it... I have done my part and I have obeyed... I just hope that things will go the right way... This heart.. Can only be healed by God alone... Lord... Forgive me...

Get a life!

Get a life... Yea... A lot of people had told me that lately... I wonder... Did I really changed that much? I mean... Come on... I am still me... I still make stupid jokes... I still laugh like mad... So... what's wrong with me?

"I don't know..." that's always the answer... I guess... What ka cheh said is right... "Your 'haha' is not your haha anymore..."... Really? I mean, seriously... How is my haha like last time? They said it's more genuine... More... from the heart... Well... Now, practically... The heart has a big hole now... It's scarred so please be a bit considerate? Hah... Like they would know...


Only those who had had experience when something that is going so well and beautiful, taken away so deliberately... I experienced it twice.. Once my dad and now this... Dad because of another woman, her because... because of God??? No way! I mean... I don't want to blame God... I don't want to... But I still doubt the statement that he said God wants them to be together... I mean... I don't know... I am so confused today... Dad's images of leaving his family behind came gushing back into my mind and heart again... I thought I had put it away... I thought I had forgiven him... But actually... No... I still can't put it down... So what am I gonna do? Major heart breaks keep haunting me... I mean.. Dear... I know you don't want to look back.. And I respect your decision but to be with him because of God? You sure that it's from God? If you are using the same verse, he practically twisted it... I don't know... AHHH!! I am losing myself...


And as I try to calm myself.. Today's daily bread is psalm 46... Be still and know that I am God... So it struck me... Because it was only last Sunday that I shared with the youths of doubting God... So... I am not doing what I am preaching... Forgiveness I ask, Lord... For doubting this and that... And dwelling on the things that I shouldn't be... Lord... Please... clear my mind.... I really... need You... And... Perhaps answers... for her... Not for me... Help her and guide her Lord... Don't let her make mistakes again.. Lord... I just need to know... If this is really from you... Lord... Please help me forgive my dad... And I pray that you will keep him safe... Give me too opportunity to tell him about You... Lord... I really... don't want to be lost anymore... Guide me....

Today....

This is one day I wished never happened... But hey, life goes on and God has planned this... Without a doubt we still love each other but this life belongs to God not me... His will be done not mine... Today, she decided that it's time for her to move on... To be with the guy that God actually told her to be with... And I said go... Because it's God's plan... NO doubt it breaks my heart and also hers... But it's God... WE have to to obey because we love Him more than anything else... NO greater love has I thus found than God's love... Because God is love..


Today is the day she will close our love story's chapter in her life... Or maybe like she says... A merely pending story waiting for the author to finish it... As for now... I hope she puts less of me but more of him... Because only that way she will be able to be happy with him... I don't want her to look back... I don't want to be someone who would wreck her happiness... Yes... I know I am stupid and foolish, some of you might say... But no... Because this is how love should be... Because, love is not self-seeking... If this is indeed a test from God for us, I intend to pass it and so does she... He needs her and might have been praying more than me for her... I guess so... I don't know.. But i wish them a better life ahead... Persecutions await them.. Will be praying for them... Hope they can last through... And if God wants them to be, then I would have to let go... For now... I will wait...

So today... Means the beginning of my single life again... Today means I will dedicate my life to fully serve God only... I pray that I will not fall in love again... Because I know, I am selfish but I just want her to be my last.. Even if it means not being together... And I know many a time that guys would say his when this happens to them but I mean it when I say it... Wait till when? I don't now.. But if we are meant to be, somewhere down the road we will be... For now and forever, serve the Lord with all my mind, might and spirit... God help us through... That smile.. Will always be in heart forever...

Mistake?

Mistakes... I guess most of the time people make them.. Cos we are not perfect beings... And perhaps... I made the biggest mistake in my life two weeks ago when I let go of her... Perhaps... Thinking back... We could have go on and still learn to be more matured and more loving towards God... But sometimes everything happens for a reason...


Looking back.. WE did a terrible mistake... We let our love took the priority over God... Perhaps.. Ift's not WE... Maybe... ME... Yea... Realising this now made me regret that I ever done this... Maybe this is why God says it's not the time yet... She's really trying her best to keep this distance between us... Yea... Me too... But it all seems weird... I don't know... Maybe I should get used to this for a few years... Or till the day we'd be together again...


I don't know if that day will come... Ka cheh told me that when then time is gone, it's gone... But... I don't want it to be that way... I want none of this to happen in the first place... Maybe it's my selfishness on act again... I don't know... As for now... I can only pray for her... Her life to be better... Even if it means her life without me in it... I just want her to be happy... I hope she really does lead a happy life... No more can I ask for...


And guess what? She is happy today! Praise God for that... At least I know my prayers are answered... I hope she can be this happy everyday...

Since that day... My ka cheh said... I am not me anymore... Hmm... I don't know.. Perhaps it's true... It'd seem like I lost a big part of me... I never realised that she'd be this large in me... The impact and everything... And I love every single part of it... Yes... I still do... Yea.. Perhaps being apart means losing this big part of me... I hardly smile now... Well, in front of people, I would fake it, of course... BUT... I still don't think I lost it.. I mean her in my life... I am just merely keeping it deep down in me... I guess It's like a novel... I haven't finished reading it yet and just merely put it on the shelf... Yea.. I guess that's it... I hope that's it...

I hope she never sees this blog... Only compiles misery upon her... Maybe I shouldn't even started this on the first place but I need a place to throw out this thoughts... Yea... Selfish me again... Dear... I hope you will have a better life ahead ... I am not giving up... I love you... And I mean it... And I still Love you more and more everyday even if it meant we are apart... I still haven't forgotten the promises... I still haven't forgotten your love and your care... I never will... I pray that I will never fall in love again because... I really... Dear... I really just want you to be the last... I hope God can answer this prayer... I don't know... I can only wait... Dear... If you can't wait, it's ok... Go! enjoy life... :)... And do know... That... You will always be... my important and special one... I... Love... You...

Oh, who am i kidding?? She never get to see this blog anyway... Monologuing again.... But seriously... I love her...