Finals + Expectations + Laziness

Aitez (All right + ritez=Aitez), finals is this monday... Yup you can ask me the typical question and this is most likely how I'll answer...

You : Wah~! Monday exam liao leh~!!

Me : Yea... Scared ho?

You: Ya loh~! You read liao la??

Me : Nope...

You : Wah~! Don't bluff la... You didn't read? Later see see you get 2.3 ++ ar~!

Me : Bluff you for what?

You : Then how?

Me : Shun kei zhi yin la...

You : Geng lo~! I read blah blah blah liao lo...

Me : Ooo...

You: You not worried meh?

Me : Yea

You: then?

Me : like that lo...

Lol... Probably Esther and my mom(if she ever finds out and reads the blog that is) will kill me for this... Haha~! ok ok fine... I admit.. I did a little bit of studying and no more... My brain just keep repelling all the things that I have read out... I have no idea why? Too casual this time... Well, like Aaron puts it... Going into exam with and by faith... Lol... Nah... I have a few reasons...

One is expectations.. Lately I have been reacting to stress in a different way... Super appetite is still there but I think I have adopt a new approach... Sleep... zzz... I know... Bad stuff... Sometimes, I will think of my mom's expectations and then the next thing I know, I am sleeping... By the time I woke up, I wasted my time already... Then I think of finals and the what-ifs if I can't get the result I want... I look at the amount of work to be done and then I just zzz... Sleep and sleep... Man~! I have no idea... I am a pig... =.=''' ... Whatever it is, I have to get rid of this approach... Hate to be this way... I want to be able too study and get the result I want~!!!!

The next thing is laziness... BAd stuff again~! I always known I am lazy but I think I have taken it to new heights and I really have to slap myself... OR let Esther slap me to wake me up... Nothing hurts more than your gf slapping you... Lol... Boy oh boy, I am sinking into deeper holes... Jesus pull me back up~!!!

Ok... Isaiah Saw, stop whining and get back to work~! If you don't... Well... Esther will slap you~! lol... ok... with this, I shall concentrate... and full authority to Esther Loh Xin Wey for slapping me if she finds out I am slagging off...

p.s I miss you(definitely not the reason I can't study ya? XP) and love you..

You...

Ok... Let's see how my brain juices of appreciation are flowing as I wanna tell someone how special they are... OK... This person's name starts with an E and ends with a R... The name has 6 words in it and it rhymes with star... Haha~! It's a no-brainer question right?? Lol... Ok... The name basically means star and as said already, it rhymes with star... For me, she is the star of my heart... always shining through the dark sky in my heart... Lighting up my nights... And by the way, do you know stars shine during the day too?? Haha~! So here it is... the name is :

E - Extraordinary
S - Special
T - Top
H - Hot
E - Ever-shining
R - Radiant

star of my life... haha~! that's you, Esther Loh... None other than you!


Haha~! IT's 25 Jan already... And tho you may think it's not that important but actually it is... without 25 Jan, there won't be an Esther Loh... Without 25 Jan, there won't be this star in my heart... XD ... And I am lucky to have this star...

Happy birthday girl...May you shine ever more brightly for God and the people you love, Esther Loh... The Star that will shine brighter than any other... =) ... My Star..

I am sorry for being late but I miss you...

As of today, I am officially late for 24 days... Very late... Perhaps late for 19 years as well... I just found out... I just found out that I missed you so much, grandma... I am sorry for being so late... So selfish and so forgetful... How can I ever forget? I am so foolish... Grandma Grandma... You have left us since a year ago... I didn't felt much back then... Yes I was sad but I am just happy you are at a better place now... A place called Heaven... But as CNY draws closer... I feel like crying... I feel the usually red, fabulous, noisy, food-y and happy CNY is lacking something... It's you, grandma...


Grandma, you wouldn't know how much we'd miss you... We may not admit it... But we really do... The house is empty... You are not there to cook good food for us... You are not there to tell us stories... You are not there to talk to me... You are not there... This CNY, I cannot hear you opening your room's door early in the morning... Cannot hear your slow footsteps going into the kitchen to boil water to prepare for us coffee for breakfast... Cannot hear you greet me "ah boy, cho san(cantonese for good morning)! Sek cho chan la(eat breakfast la)!"... I just miss that...I really do... I wish... Just wish I can see your smile... Grandma...



Grandma, leaving us was inevitable... She was suffering with terrible diabetes for years. And this time, she was attacked by cancer and other stuff... I was not fully given the details but what I know, it was something related to the intestines, uterus and digestive systems... All 3 at once... Imagine the suffering that she had to went through... But even before all this happen, being the diabetes carrier has already been such a pain for her... But still, despite all this, she continues to give her best to her children and grandchildren... She love me a lot... I love her too... Maybe not as much... Maybe a little too late...



I remember when I was little... Grandma will tell me a lot of stories... (even my mom dunno grandma had been sharing these stories with me cos both of us will stay up late at night and talk about a lot of things...)... *sigh*... But I can't remember most of them... And even if I do, I can only remember vaguely... I am not a filial grandchild... Sorry... Grandma stays in Kuala Kangsar and me, Taiping... So we have little time to bond but she would always make full use of time when we meet... You know, grandma is an expert in making CNY cakes and kuihs?? The kuih ka pek? Wow~! That was the most awesome kuih ka pek that I ever tasted... Seriously~! But somewhere down the line, grandma stopped making them because she doesn't have the energy anymore... Her body grew not one second younger but older... Weaker... I miss those kuih ka pek... And and her rice wine~! Fantabombaawesomelous~!!!I remember I first tasted her rice wine when I was 15 or so... It was also the first time she made rice wine in like a long time... It was just heavenly... By the way, it's non-alcoholic if you wanna know...



It was a cold November evening or so when my mom picked up the phone and was told by my aunty that grandma was not feeling well... She was at work and I was at school for some scout den cleaning up... So when I went home and got the news, there was this bad feeling... I think my whole family did... It was... time... She has been battling long enough... Even the strongest warriors need rest... It was time for her to go home... The last time when she was able to get out of bed was early December or somewhere there... I was still busy with early Christmas celebrations... And it was in these times that she accepted the Lord Jesus... Maybe she knew her time was now to be reconciled with the Lord... She was a strong buddhist who wouldn't be moved... But maybe she has seen the light and truth... She needed security which only God can give... And I am glad she did... God loves you, grandma... =)... It was her first Christmas, I believe... But it was also her last......


Before she 'went' on her journey home, she told my mom and aunties that she wanted to celebrate the new year... We all thought that it was CNY... Since she is not one who will celebrate Jan 1 like most of us do...Since we thought it was CNY, to celebrate it was totally mission impossible given her current state... Bed ridden, can't chew and talk properly.... How long would she last... How long does she need to suffer??? It wasn't fair... But... On Jan 1 2008, she left us... She... celebrated the new year... She stepped into the new year on time... Her wish was granted... When I got the news, I stood tall and still because grandma said... "A man has to be strong in will and might to protect others"... But grandma... my heart cried... My heart longs for your voice... I cannot imagine that... you would have leave us... But you... you told me to stand tall... So I will... For you... For you...


I am sorry grandma... Sorry that I can't show you my beloved girlfriend, Esther... Sorry that I had not been paying attention to your stories and advices... Sorry for not loving you more... Sorry for not spending more time with you... Sorry... for being so late to realise that... Grandma... I miss you... Enjoy your life in Heaven... =) ... God is with you.... I am glad...


p.s A man has to be strong in will and might to protect others... I will always remember it... Thanks, grandma... I love you...

As these tears streamed down...

Sitting here, at Adrian's house, of all places, at 1.17am, cold and quiet, with "and I hate you so" playing through the speakers, I opened up my eyes and heart to read... Yup... It was my Serdang Pop Girl's blog... And boy oh boy, all kinds of lightning, waves, thunder, hammer, and all those things you only see it in television like laser beams, light saber, super plasma blasters, all came shooting and hitting me as every word go deep down here *points to the heart....


Well, I was prepared for a long post because you titled it "My love story with an Arsenal boy (yes is LONG but I DON'T CARE)"... And because I have read your long posts before... I know you really mean it when you say LONG... lol... XP ...


Reading that post made me realise that... you truly are a very special girl... Made me realise that yea... Arsenal boy, you'd better appreciate her or I'll beat you up... OK, it doesn't make sense if I beat myself up, but you get the idea... I cannot control my smile... It's just from one of the cheek to the other end of the other cheek... And guess what... My tears streamed down too...


Just the other day, you asked so passionately about football and Arsenal... And you even read the blog on Arsenal which I recommended.. You even got frustrated when you can't watch Arsenal on PPStream... You practically researched about Arsenal before I even told you wonderful stories about this great club... When others would look at me in this way : O.o or =.=''' whenever I get passionate about Arsenal... NO... Not you... You even know Vieira (a true Arsenal legend) before I told you who he is... You wanted to know so much about my life, my passion and... my heart... You walked so long and hard and waited agonizingly for sure to open this door... Surely, you did.. Opened up this chained door to my heart... You didn't need the key... Because you are the key...
Not many would do all this for his/her loved one... XD I am extremely grateful and happy... Because... You actually wanted to be a kaki bola... Not many girls are like that... Special... Just... special...


"At the end... This korean classic drama ( You mentioned it xD ) just happened.. During tuesday , I thought of just acting normal to you , and try to avoid from having eye contact with you... But you... never avoid nor afraid of me... yet still being close to me. LOL Funny thing was , we can still talk and talk and talk non stop as usual xD Then ... later on... you approved our relationship. I felt surprised , and shock... that you actually willing to accept me as your girl." she wrote...



Yea... It was korean classic drama... Girl A help guy court girl B who happen to be one of her best friends, guy fall for girl A realising that she was the one he wanted... You know... That kind of cheesy things you get in korean dramas... Happened to us both... LOL... Of course, together with herself (me included) and all our friends... we were indeed surprised but we got together... By the way not much of an approval... But an agreement... for this...

"We don't need any puppy love ,we want something different..something calm yet meaningful and decent.Together with a maturity mind about love,we make things easier.. and slowly... walked together... not thinking about just normal boyfriend and girlfriend.. but more about appreciating someone that we love , someone that catches your heart... No uncertain promises , no bluffing sweet talks...but just the real feelings...step by step we go through every moments we had. " she wrote..


Word by word, true to the heart... Pop girl just manages to say things that I intend to but just don't know how to say it... I say, she make a good secretary... LOL... Anyway, XP ... yea... like she said... Step by step... Slowly but surely... More and more everyday... IN love...


But truly... Sometimes Pop girl can be real silly... Look what she wrote~!


"That's the deepness that can't be seen through the surface. And I am sure both of us understand well that being in love is easy but to maintain a relationship is never the easiest.Not everyone tend to understand and realized about this ,but we did, for after what we had been through. As we both know clearly than anybody else does,that both of us appreciated each other so much,till we never wish to hurt each other.I do not dare to say forever... because I was not certain about our future... yet I can only promise you that I will stay beside you as long as I can , until.. it is time for you to leave... I'll let you go without any pain.Peacefully,and blesses you with my prayers and love ... till the end of my day. "



Ok... I was touched... I mean... I still am... And trust me, I can't stop reading this post... I need to get some sleep for presentation tomorrow... Erm... *ahem... Where was I?? Ahhh yes... I totally broke down when I read this...It's true that forever will hurt... It's true that the future is not certain... But I just want to say this...


"You don't have to let me go... Because I won't go..."


Why would I go when I found someone so special? As the tears streamed down... and as I prepare to venture into dreamland... I seal you in here and lock the door with you in the inside of my heart... Good night... ^^

One Happy Ending Please? Part 2

Isaac opened the letters stacked up on the table one by one. While tearing the tip of the letter, he glanced around the house. Dirty clothes and books were thrown everywhere. The house smelled from his odour and it was stuffy. The floor hasn't been swept or mopped. Sticky isn't even the word to describe it anymore. His house was utterly, ridiculously, absurdly, beyond-words-ly dirty. Who cares, anyway? He didn't even bother thinking of cleaning it. He took out the paper in the envelope and began to read...

"Dear Isaac,

We are sorry for your loss..."


Most of the letters were more or less written with these words. Uncontrollably, his tears began to flow. It was just five months into their marriage. They were having a baby. He was getting a promotion. Their future was bright. But it was all gone... In all one swoop, in one incident, in one unfortunate accident.


It was an usually bright day in London. Isaac's heart was leaping with joy that day when he got the news from his boss that he was being considered to be promoted to the position of Finance Manager. He took out his cellphone and dialed to his wife.

"Come on, pick up pick up.... Hel..hello? Laura?? Honey??" he said excitingly.

"Yes honey?? I am driving now... Is this important?" she asked.

"Oh yes... Boss just told me that I will have a...." he tried to tell her when the phone suddenly went dead.

And it came to this point... Where he had no hope in life. His life went from top of the world, to the bottomest pit of pits. Shattered, broken... Since then, his career took a nose dive. From being promotion hopeful to being a disheartened worker. He got fired 2 months ago. With no income, his bills were piling up but he was numb to it. He didn't bother or care. He felt empty.... He felt all these meaningless... He turned colder and colder and colder as his heart yearns for Laura's voice again.

Then the door bell rang...

One Happy Ending Please? Part 1

He strolled through the rain without an umbrella. He just loves how the rain drops fall onto his skin... They tingle his senses, and the tiny drops that hit his skin kind of helped cover his pain in the heart a bit. He also loved that occasional violent gush of wind, it makes him... 'fly' if he could put it that way. If he could just fly and fly till he sees his problems no more, he thought... As he walked slowly on that narrow pathway, suddenly, the rain drops ceased from hitting his skin. He looked up and saw a transparent umbrella, shielding him from the rain.

"Are you silly? You got wet all over. Here, let's share this," the one with the umbrella said.

He stopped his footsteps prompting the stranger to stop as well. He turned around to see the stranger.

"Oh... Thank you... But I love the rain drops... It's ok, have it for yourself," he said to her with a weak smile.

"Are you crazy? Seriously... You will catch a cold!" she answered in exasperation, and continued with a stern look, "I insist..."

He looked at her determination and gave in. After all how often do you get an offer to be shaded by a stranger? They strolled slowly, without a word. Finally, they came to a cafe and decided to have a cup of coffee while awaiting the rain to stop.

He kept staring out the window and saw a blur reflection of himself. He looked tired, dull and the radiant that once surrounded him, gone. The stranger, unable to stand the silence finally said, "Hi. I believe we have not properly introduced ourselves... I am Esta Rui." And she gave him the broadest smile she could muster.

"Oh.. Hi... Isaac Kay... Erm.. E.S.T.H.E.R Rui?" he said

"Oh no... Not with the H.E.R, but it's spelt E.S.T.A. It's Latin," she said with a bit of annoyance because people keep getting her name wrong.

Isaac nodded and returned to his aimless staring. Esta rolled her eyes and wondered what's wrong with this man. She offered him shelter, coffee and conversion, and all he does is stare stare and stare... Is there nothing else he can do? Maybe a little bit of appreciation would do for her. Strange man...


The coffee quenched the gloomy thirst and the rain stopped. Isaac hurriedly excused himself to go home. He needed to be alone. As he walked away in huge paces, Esta looked at him, startled and lost. And indeed, her 'strange man' label on him was right... He do look sad tho...

"Ahh... Jerk... He didn't even say thank you~!" she exclaimed...

The Lord sees and works

In times like these, we all know that one answer to all our questions now belong to Him. The Lord sees and works... For whatever reason that these people had done these terrible things, may God open up their blinded eyes and deaf ears... They do not know what they are doing... Certainly, the big shots might play a part in this... How would the mob turn up if it wasn't allow? Not words we want but action against this injustice... but what now? The world was never fair... Justice is with God for He is justice... He will judge...

So I urge you all to stay cool and be patient... Pray continually for the churches and our people... To fight fire with fire is foolish and God also says to love thy enemies... We are not people who loves violence, we preach love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control...So please walk in what we preach because we do not want to be hypocrites... Be angry for only a few moments but rejoice because God is hope and peace and joy...


If you ever walk in the streets and being asked if you are a Christian or not, say yes... Do not be afraid and do not be ashamed... Make the Lord proud... If He is with us, who can stand against us?

If...

If you have been a lost wanderer in the vast land,
looking for a place where you belong,
thirsting for a life you dreamt of,
You will wait no more.




If you have been through so many harsh journeys,
trying to find the meanings of your shortcomings,
crying over misunderstandings,
You will do no more.



If you have walked through the storm,
and sailed through the rough seas,
battling the waves alone,
You will fight alone no more.



If you have cried in the rain,
Misunderstandings and dark clouds filled your life,
Trying to find that sunshine,
Look no more.


If life is all dark and dull,
let me a chance to fill it with colours and smiles,
And draw the rainbows as the dark clouds go away,
let me a chance to be lost with you in love land,
go through the harsh journeys with you,
sail through the seas,
and protect you from the storms,
for as long as I can...

Missing Directions With the Serdang Pop Girl...

-note: ** means monologuing... XP-


Hmm... Where to start?? Ok.. Let's start off with how we first met... It was June 1, 2009... First day in a new city, a new uni, a new life... Terrified? A little bit because it's time to face reality... Lol... Harsh reality... And I wasn't expecting much... Simply because there's nothing much to expect... Uni is definitely a totally different thing from high school... To start off with the day, I went to the wrong class... =.=''' not the best thing to do on the first day and that made me late for my real class... Went in and saw a bunch of people inside... I analysed and thought "lol... they look friendly... or at least they seem to be..." ... Your hair was long and curly back then... Haha~! And never ever will I thought that we could be such close friends...


**I don't really remember the first time we chatted... Hmm... It was something regarding Adrian right? Haha~! Then somehow, after the heart numb nightmare, we got even closer... I guess, I owe you one... Since then, you took care of me a lot... Care for me a lot and it was fun hanging out with you.... It was great eating the food you cook.... XP... Love it a lot...


This Serdang Pop Girl... When she knew about my health, she went a pit panicky... When she knew I lost my wallet, she offered to accompany me to make my IC... Lolz... Of course, I'd say yes... XP... Since she is.. i mean... was my jie... haha... That day, when we went out to make that darn IC, we talked so much and was so into talking and gossiping (LOL~!) that we actually lost our directions!!

"blah blah blah blah... eh... turn left or right?" I said.

"blah blah blah blah... huh? right gua... ei? didn't we pass by here?" she said.

You get the idea...

** You know looking back, I kinna like the feeling when we are 'lost'... We didn't panic and yet keep talking and talking and laughing and laughing... Somehow, we would find our way out of that dreadful PJ Sentral... haha! Lost and with you... Hmm... nice feeling eh? XP


Then came the night of the countdown... Well, we were just fooling around and became a day bf/gf... Well, it was in this time we grew much closer than ever before... That funny feeling was there... I think we both chose to ignore that feeling... We both continued to live in denial, if you can put it that way... But somewhere somehow we would be together... YOu know, that kind of feeling... XP


** In any case, after that night, many things went through my head... Tossing around the bed and getting up for no reason in the middle of the night... Keep thinking and thinking... but don't want to acknowledge it... remember when we chatted in MSN the other day? and remember the pm which says wondering what it means? Lol... I was actually wondering about us... XP... And yea... shocked at the development of today but very the happy about it~! XP...



I remember we were quite quiet or maybe just her? She didn't "like" nor leave a comment at any of my posts that day... Were you thinking too? XP... I wonder...


And quite a number has asked the same old question of why... So I guess I feel obliged to answer it here... Yea... I am not a guy good at understanding my own emotions... I don't really know what struck me even if it's just in front of me... When most people already know that pop girl likes me, I still think that you guys are thinking too much~! LOL... But in the end... The person who I've been looking for is just right there before me... You can call me a liar, a cheat or a playboy... Honestly, I don't care... Emotions are crazy little things... When it strucks you, you can't avoid it... If it would happen to you, you would be doing what we are doing now too...


**Like you said it, pop girl... We don't care what others think... Spending our moments together as long as we can...


Unexpected things happen anywhere and anytime... Love is the thing that is most surprising as well... Sometimes it's too fast... Sometimes too slow... Sometimes too confusing but all in all it's beautiful... I think because of past experiences, we would be taking this a bit easier... Step by step... My Serdang Pop Girl... Hahaha~! You'll never know how happy this blur guy is to have you as his special one.. And sorry... You waited so long... XD... Esther... I love you...





Yes... As long as we can...

A strange New Year + New Year Resolutions

All right to start off with a New Year by celebrating the countdown in The Curve was already a new thing for me... Never before the I have been in a countdown and with so many people spraying 'snow' at each other... zzz... Somehow it was strangely quiet in such a crowded place but I am glad we avoided the really 'happening' places... I don't want to be sprayed at, at the face... OK... I admit... I did get sprayed at the face by Adrian but hey at least not by a stranger... LOLZ...
And the countdown wasn't much of a countdown... I kept wondering what happened to the good old " 10... 9...8..7...6...5"... erm... you get the idea.. But at least the fireworks were amazing...

Still it was a strange New Year... Even with the crowd,it was awfully quiet to me and there's no New Year feel this time around... In any case... it's still the New Year so like many other times resolutions are the things that come into my mind...

Hmm... New Year eh? so as to say, everything starts anew so here's my resolutions...

1) Grow and be a better man for God, family, friends and people I love...

Yup... One is enough... I can already get many things from that one resolution... Hopefully, 2010 will be a challenging and fruitful year... Bring it on~!