I am sorry for being late but I miss you...

As of today, I am officially late for 24 days... Very late... Perhaps late for 19 years as well... I just found out... I just found out that I missed you so much, grandma... I am sorry for being so late... So selfish and so forgetful... How can I ever forget? I am so foolish... Grandma Grandma... You have left us since a year ago... I didn't felt much back then... Yes I was sad but I am just happy you are at a better place now... A place called Heaven... But as CNY draws closer... I feel like crying... I feel the usually red, fabulous, noisy, food-y and happy CNY is lacking something... It's you, grandma...


Grandma, you wouldn't know how much we'd miss you... We may not admit it... But we really do... The house is empty... You are not there to cook good food for us... You are not there to tell us stories... You are not there to talk to me... You are not there... This CNY, I cannot hear you opening your room's door early in the morning... Cannot hear your slow footsteps going into the kitchen to boil water to prepare for us coffee for breakfast... Cannot hear you greet me "ah boy, cho san(cantonese for good morning)! Sek cho chan la(eat breakfast la)!"... I just miss that...I really do... I wish... Just wish I can see your smile... Grandma...



Grandma, leaving us was inevitable... She was suffering with terrible diabetes for years. And this time, she was attacked by cancer and other stuff... I was not fully given the details but what I know, it was something related to the intestines, uterus and digestive systems... All 3 at once... Imagine the suffering that she had to went through... But even before all this happen, being the diabetes carrier has already been such a pain for her... But still, despite all this, she continues to give her best to her children and grandchildren... She love me a lot... I love her too... Maybe not as much... Maybe a little too late...



I remember when I was little... Grandma will tell me a lot of stories... (even my mom dunno grandma had been sharing these stories with me cos both of us will stay up late at night and talk about a lot of things...)... *sigh*... But I can't remember most of them... And even if I do, I can only remember vaguely... I am not a filial grandchild... Sorry... Grandma stays in Kuala Kangsar and me, Taiping... So we have little time to bond but she would always make full use of time when we meet... You know, grandma is an expert in making CNY cakes and kuihs?? The kuih ka pek? Wow~! That was the most awesome kuih ka pek that I ever tasted... Seriously~! But somewhere down the line, grandma stopped making them because she doesn't have the energy anymore... Her body grew not one second younger but older... Weaker... I miss those kuih ka pek... And and her rice wine~! Fantabombaawesomelous~!!!I remember I first tasted her rice wine when I was 15 or so... It was also the first time she made rice wine in like a long time... It was just heavenly... By the way, it's non-alcoholic if you wanna know...



It was a cold November evening or so when my mom picked up the phone and was told by my aunty that grandma was not feeling well... She was at work and I was at school for some scout den cleaning up... So when I went home and got the news, there was this bad feeling... I think my whole family did... It was... time... She has been battling long enough... Even the strongest warriors need rest... It was time for her to go home... The last time when she was able to get out of bed was early December or somewhere there... I was still busy with early Christmas celebrations... And it was in these times that she accepted the Lord Jesus... Maybe she knew her time was now to be reconciled with the Lord... She was a strong buddhist who wouldn't be moved... But maybe she has seen the light and truth... She needed security which only God can give... And I am glad she did... God loves you, grandma... =)... It was her first Christmas, I believe... But it was also her last......


Before she 'went' on her journey home, she told my mom and aunties that she wanted to celebrate the new year... We all thought that it was CNY... Since she is not one who will celebrate Jan 1 like most of us do...Since we thought it was CNY, to celebrate it was totally mission impossible given her current state... Bed ridden, can't chew and talk properly.... How long would she last... How long does she need to suffer??? It wasn't fair... But... On Jan 1 2008, she left us... She... celebrated the new year... She stepped into the new year on time... Her wish was granted... When I got the news, I stood tall and still because grandma said... "A man has to be strong in will and might to protect others"... But grandma... my heart cried... My heart longs for your voice... I cannot imagine that... you would have leave us... But you... you told me to stand tall... So I will... For you... For you...


I am sorry grandma... Sorry that I can't show you my beloved girlfriend, Esther... Sorry that I had not been paying attention to your stories and advices... Sorry for not loving you more... Sorry for not spending more time with you... Sorry... for being so late to realise that... Grandma... I miss you... Enjoy your life in Heaven... =) ... God is with you.... I am glad...


p.s A man has to be strong in will and might to protect others... I will always remember it... Thanks, grandma... I love you...