E.S.T.H.E.R.

E is everything you did for me
S is what i see in you
T is what we always talk about
H is holding you tight and never let go
E is every moment I share with you
R is your resonance with me ;)

And it spells the girl I love... ESTHER... :D <3

Woe

Woe Woe what endless woe
To fret is but a sign of hollow,
Hollow follows the empty soul,
Who seeks in vain for a hope to hold.

Woe woe what endless woe,
As the clashing of tongues leads to a void world,
Where all killed and none breathed,
Thus a means to end a deed.

Woe Woe what endless woe,
Demented by the thoughts of a row,
A spear sharpen and ready to strike,
The heart pierced and all is night.

To Understand is better than CURE

Today, I finally finished 60% of my broadcasting assignment. Went to PT foundation and it was one of the most eye opening experience I ever had. and kudos to my lecturer, Mr. Luqman Lee and his team (I suppose) for coming up with this theme of AIDS/HIV. It's been what I think, a journey of understanding rather than just a stepping stone to getting good assignment marks. It was a remarkable experience. And to think that we could have missed out on this... But by God's grace, we got what we wanted...


And so the journey to PT began with a RapidKL bus ride to KL Sentral and then a monorail to CHow Kit road.. THen we kinna got lost cos PT was kinna in far away. We finally found the HQ and because we had so many people (18 of us), Dinesh, a volunteer staff here had no choice but to take us for a walk. Chow Kit was a mixture of old and new buildings but I must admit... Something has to be done with the traffics here... THere's so many darn cars and the pedestrian traffic light? rosak la... Typical right? But neways, indeed, the walk was tiring but on the way, I talked a lot with Dinesh. He told us about many stuffs about PT and about the community that is in PT. From his talk, sure enough, I had very much higher expectation. I knew that PT would be different. (When Urban Motion, the production's name for my team found out about PT, we knew we found the right place as there were no place else where the word "understanding" can be so associated with...)


Ok, so fast forward... We arrived at the drop-in center and set up all the necessary cameras and stuff and it's interview time! Got a bit nervous but we did get what we needed... During that interview, what had struck me the most was their take in life... They are, in so many ways so much more positive, so much more living a life than we, the supposedly "normal" humans are.

Interviewer: Jadi... Apakah impian anda buat masa sekarang?

Respondent : Saya... nak satu keluarga lah... Ada tanah ngan rumah dari arwah ayah... Ingin usahakan...


Wow... just wow.... They are... Normal after all... Not all the crap we heard and saw on TV or anywhere else. They are perfectly normal people living a life but perhaps an adjusted life due to their condition... One of the staff and also a victim to this disease said that "To Understand is better than CURE or PREVENTION". It's true... I mean, if we can prevent the disease from infecting others but how about those who are already having it? I think... by understanding, only can we finally rid this world of the disease... PT is one of those doors of understanding to the public. It's a shame that the gov does not really see the power behind this word... With more funding... I for one, will think that PT can impact Malaysia into understanding People Living with HIV.


And today, the inevitable question called my mind again... "If even they can find a life, what about me? What is my life?"

Perhaps.. In time, I would be able to answer it... But thank you PT Foundation! You opened a door to my heart for this community... Keep up the good work!

Sem break, Fun-ness and Time for the roller coaster ride again

You know, one of the reasons that I kinna not like sem breaks is that they make you fat... Yes, I am a guy but who says guys cannot be vain eh? It's not exactly a wrong thing, I mean who doesn't want to look good? Ok, so I managed to add on some few kgs, thanks to my mom's cookings (they were awesome-ly delicious, I couldn't resist!) and junk food.Yes, shouldn't be eating them lot but hey, when you're stuck at home with walls, TV, PS2 and a laptop... what else are you gonna do? :S

So in the middle of sem break had this trip to Genting. Another awesome-ness experience with friends, some who won't be meeting up in a while and most importantly, with me special one. Haha! Yes, we had arguments, but that's not the point. It was fun! Ok, Esther was afraid of the rides, and she said I enjoyed 'em like a mad man. I wonder, do mad men ride those rides? In any case, we started to plan the trip as 10 people , then somehow it went down to 7 because of reasons and then suddenly shot back up to nine. Did it went down to 7? Wait... I am bad with numbers so let's not get into details, shall we? :P

You see, sem breaks can be exhausting. Physically full(eat and eat and eat) but emotionally exhausted. There's so many things to think about that frankly, really blows your mind away... Some in a bad way some in a good way. But they will make me stronger. No more games and guessing this time. Work harder and no more excuses and certainly no more late night sleeps... Er... Ok, maybe some late night sleeps... :P and then there's issues of the financials at hand but that's sorted out because God is good all the time... :D Glad HE's with us! Then a separation from hectic-ness which is good but dull if you do it in the long run (I lasted 2 days before starting to miss being sardined or sandwiched in a bus or lrt =.=). Relationships? Make me think a lot about the future. Yea, it's time to grow up, maybe can be a kid once in a while but it's tome to take charge. Your girl needs you, Isaiah! Really want this to work out with the word Forever stuck there. Love is energy but courting is exhaustion. Not that I am lazy but I love my girl, Esther... :) Life's never been better!

Since I am a mad man and mad men ride roller coasters, it's time for that ride called studies and life. So I guess, signing off with this quote is good.

" Success is one percent genius and 99 percent perspiration."

God, have Your way in me. :D

Mom's Day :)

Please

Please, I beg you.... Have some faith in me... If you don't believe that I can, then you are telling me that I can't... That's even worse than dying...

Communication...

I think we have misunderstandings everywhere... And I am not sure apart from my family(couzies mostly), girlfriend and a few friends, who actually reads this blog... Lately, I feel strains everywhere... To be honest... To be entirely truthful, I am sick and tired of it...

I think we have communication problems... I think some of you do not like some things I did or maybe something that I did that I don't even know about... Or maybe you just don't like me...

I always maintain that my friends are incredibly important for me... Yes, being me, sometimes I feel I ignored some of you... I am sorry for that.... Truly I am... But these days... I feel a certain restrain from you all... I feel, we don't have that connection anymore... What happened? What did I do? Or perhaps... some of you don't like my girlfriend? Or my attitude? I don't understand the sudden boycott... Or am I just thinking too much?


And please don't deny that there's nothing wrong with us. There definitely is something wrong with us... The sudden aggression, the sudden everything... There must be a problem with me... I don't know what it is... but i can sense that your attitudes are changing... And it breaks my heart to think that you all have not been at all honest with me...


Friends, sometimes, we are the biggest hypocrites in the world... Maybe I did something that was against what we agreed on... I am sorry if I did... But for me to know that I have hurt my friends through other people's mouth, it hurts... real deep... I know you all care for me... I am thankful... I know that sometimes, words can hurt... But if you don't tell me those words yourselves, it hurts even more... For me to come to realisation of this sudden miscommunication we had... It took a long while... I was denying the very problem that was set before us... Now, I hope I still have time to save it back..

Because you loved me...

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I'll be forever thankful baby

You're the one who held me up

Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You were always there for me

The tender wind that carried me

A light in the dark shining your love into my life

You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

by: Celine Dion

These words is what I wanna tell you... Please believe them... I am sorry for making life so hard for you... For being so ignorant to your feelings... For forcing you to think of things you never want to think about... But dearest... I am everything I am... Because you loved me... And I love you too... Please believe that this is true... That my love to you is true... and not because of anything else...

Acknowledged...

Back in the days when all was dark, it's so hard to see (duh!) the things around me and appreciate them. Maybe I even blinded myself and built walls that were so hard to break down. I seriously think there are issues with myself which needs to be addressed but till then, I have to be careful with what I say and do.

I acknowledged them and I am changing... I think I am a bit different now... At least I think I am...

Thanks to those who had helped me much... I am so grateful that God has placed you guys and girls in my life... You make a difference...

Alone

Hmm... don't really know what to do or say here... Just unfamiliar but what can I do? This is to atone my mistakes. So here am I, alone in PA block to repeat the horrendous subject called Web Page Design. OH well, better than extending some might say. So true...


To be honest, I haven't eaten breakfast and by right, my tummy would be screaming for food but today... Just don't feel like eating... Sick of eating... *Munch munch munch chew chew chew then swallow swallow swallow. And whatever sh*t that you eat, in the end, it becomes well... sh*t... Yea, gastric... Whatever...

I don't know myself anymore. I don't know the people around me anymore... I think I am in an identity crisis. Serious? Ya... Urgency to resolve problem? Yes... Effort to resolve problem? Lacking. Why? Because I don't know how to. Yea right.


Maybe, possibly, being alone is what I need... Maybe, possibly, there are things that I need to do alone. Problems that I have to face alone. Because... I don't know... I am not sure myself... Because, there's no one to really want to listen to me... Yea... Time... is what everybody need... Some time... But... how long? 1 week? 1 month? 1 year? 10 years? I don't know. What I know is people like to contradict themselves. They will say things like "I can help you but I don't know how to" or "I don't know how to continue this with you but I still hope we can be friends" or something like that. Just... Am I so hate-able to face and talk to? Maybe, avoiding is always the best option for humans. I remember avoiding serious issues with my mom or friends and they turned ugly...


You know, I am honest and I will say I love my dad but hate him for what he's done. I even swear I won't do the things he did but in the end, without knowing it... Sometimes, I do act like my dad... Sometimes, I do talk like him... Even tho I hate it... So I am contradicting myself. Not until recently, that I am bugged with the question... "Who am I really?"...


I have lost passion in everything.... Yes... Everything... Studies, God, my dreams, everyone, myself and.. life... I lost the passion to even live... I am only existing now... And guess what? The only person who can pull me up is myself. Urgh... Talk about ironic. Perhaps, that's why... That nothing is working out. There are times, that I just want to go by the day by not doing anything. By staring at the ceiling or fan or the computer screen. You know... I even don't know how to cry or smile genuinely anymore. Or so it seems. Whatever... I live to exist to fill in some gap in some people's lives and then I'll disappear as a distant memory anyway... Disappointed? You will be... Because I am too...


Forget it... Forget about passion... Forget about dreams... Forget about ambitions... Down the road, they will be forgotten... Because they cannot be achieved... I would like to prove this statement wrong but it's increasingly difficult because that's how the world has turned out to be. For now... All I want to do is finish my studies... Get a job, get some money, support my family. Yea... That would be nice... Maybe someday when I am old, and I can look back to these dreams I had and laugh at myself for being silly to dream those dreams... Well, a man can dream, can't he? Perhaps... Time will tell... Scars? Aplenty... Broken? Shattered... Numb? Totally...

Need I say more?

this is one hell of a timetable

Pitch Black Darkness

It descends without a sound,

Without a note of alert.

But with suddenness and abruptness.

The drums of desperation began to sound,

The cries of the unforgiven began to shierk

And soon gloom is what of left.

The joy was overrun with sorrow.

The light taken over,

And its evil pleasure and cruelty fell upon the unfortunate.

Breaking all hopes and shattering what faith left.

Along with it comes the wind.

The cold almighty wind.

Blowing furiously to spread fear and distress.

The darkness began to take place.

All chaos began to break loose.

All hearts began to waver.

All in the pitch black darkness.

No Way Out

There's no way out.

There's no way of escaping.

There's no way of seeing another ray of light.

There's definitely no way out.

Round and round, turning without a direction to follow.

Walking with heavy legs and mind.

Trying to wake up from the nightmare that has descended.

There's no way out, the mind keeps telling.

All hope is lost, the heart keeps repeating.

No one, no one will help you, the believe keeps reminiscing.

There's no way out of this turmoil.

Unless, unless, the glimpse of light that caught the eye earlier reappears again.

But it was small and far.

And is there a way to reach it?

No way at all... No way at all....

A dead end is reached.

A harsh end of the road.

The hands feel the tall and mighty wall that stands in front of it.

Cold and cruel it felt.

Thumping the walls,

Trying in vain to somehow bring down the wall.

But to no avail.

Make haste the feet says, before the end comes.

And turning back to the road taken.

The stretch as far as the eye can see is nothing but pitch black darkness.

Will the end be met here?

There's no way out...

=(

the title says it all...

A very quiet Chinese New Year indeed...

What more can I say? Aside from a few ridiculously decorated houses in Kuala Kangsar and a short short trip to the ever busy Taiping Sentral, things had been very awfully, curiously, funnily, awkwardly quiet this Chinese New Year. Of course, it IS a quiet Valentine's Day. Well, how can it not be when my lovely Esther is so far away from me? *ahem... er... ok... anyway, moving on~ XP

And the most devastating news was the lovely Ms. Quah passed away at the eve of New Year... Tho I heard, she gave birth to a lovely little girl... So it's true that every cloud has a silver lining... Hope she grows up to be just like her mom... Jolly, happy, determined and radiant... =)... Hope her family is holding up fine...

Well, this New Year, the family's been missing two voices. One is Joe's and the other is Christina's. The couzies are in Australia, studying so Gambateh~! ^^. And it's Ronnie's wedding soon. He'll be back in March tho together with his missus so can see them then. :P

A very very quiet CNY for me but nothing is better than spending time with my family. Sometimes they may be weird or querky or even bizzare but that's what I love my family about. Looking forward to meet them again.

p.s Looking forward to see you too lovely Esther~... ^^ Love you~!

Angel Angel, where are you?

Angel, angel, where have you been?

Where is your radiant smile?

Where is your presence?

Where is your charismatic charms?

Angel, angel, have you been set free?

Set free from all adversity?

Set free from all conspiracy?

And free from all sufferings and anonymity?

Angel, angel, why oh why?

Why oh why have you go this way?

Why oh why do you have to leave so abruptly?

Why oh why have you go away?

Angel, angel, tho away you must go,

Tho to some place far you travel,

You are not forgotten,

Sealed are you in the hearts of many.

Angel, angel, tho miss you will we,

But remember we, your wise teachings,

Your bubbly nature that puts a sun shine

to our darkest clouds,

And your smile that glimmers with hope.

Angel, angel, for all moaning and lamenting,

Remember we had loved you,

and will always do...

We remember too that you loved us too...

Angel, angel where are you?

p.s A poem dedicated to our Ms. Quah... Rest In Peace... Sufferings and pains are no more... =)... remember and cherish memories of you, we shall... Good bye...

Valentine's is a distance away...

Valentine, oh valentine,

How thou hast given me a missing heart,

How thou hast left me longing for my valentine,

Oh valentine...

Valentine, valentine,

Can you come again another day?

And please don't say nay,

For what is joy when she is away?

Valentine, valentine,

If you do say nay,

Can you bring a message to my beloved valentine,

That she is not away from my heart?

Valentine, oh valentine,

Can you send my heart to her?

Can you send my kisses to her?

Can you, valentine, oh valentine?

Valentine, isn't valentine,
When one longs for gifts,

Or demands a special thing,

But never believe in the love that they both bring.

Valentine is only valentine,

When I keep you in my heart,

When I mean the words I say to you,

When you believe and hold on to the love

that brought us here today...

My valentine... Oh, Valentine...

Tho a distance's away...

Please be here and stay here...

In my heart, always..

Esther Loh... I love you... =)

I am a failure... I cannot do anything right... I always do everything without going through my head... Failure, failure... I fail in being a good son... I fail in being a good cousin... I fail in being a good nephew... I fail in being a good friend... I fail in being a good Christian... I fail in being a man... I fail... Cos I am a failure and I admit it... I am nothing but a failure who expects so much yet give so little... I am a failure who always complains and always always makes a fuss out of nothing...

I am nothing but a lost cause... Nothing, absolutely nothing... I never learn... I never mature... I never grow... I never appreciate... I never ever was grateful... That's what I am... What a man... What a failure man... I have nothing good in me... If you do trust me, please I beg you, stop doing so... Cos what I hold is nothing... nothing but emptiness... What I hold is darkness... I am not who you think I am... I am a worthless idiot, an ignorant,useless, good-for-nothing brat... I don't need sympathy, I don't need acceptance, I don't need anything because people like me are not worthy of anything...

Oh, nothing, just a statement... nothing serious... It's what I am... I believe I am just that... You don't have to be sad or do anything about it... Who knows I might betray that trust one day... Let me rot peacefully... Thank you

He is but a worthless man...

He stands alone,

Alone on the Stage of Life,

Head bowed down,

His performance nothing more than a riff-raff.

Boast and speaking mindlessly,

All but listening and loving he did not be,

At no ends, his ignorance holds,

A grave he dug for his own siege.

And oh behold!

What a man is he!

Foolish and corrupted by all men's desires,

Holding only empty promises for his fellow actors.

What a Stage it was to behold,

for it shown him how incapable the man he was,

And all he can was to drop and cry,

When others live on rather than die.

And what a fool he was!

What a man so not worthy,

Not worthy of knowing what love was,

Not worthy of anything beautiful.

For what is a man,

Who knows only his desires,

Who knows only his dreams,

but not know how to listen,

Listen to the loud cries that longed for him,

Or tend to the needy with what effort he could bring,

Or love another without lusting for sin,

What is a man... What is a man,

Who is not worthy of the star's shining gleam....

Answers

It's a make or break day tomorrow...

I dunno what to do exactly...

I lost sight, blinded, and I need the light...

I need answers...

The doctor is right...

If I don't help myself, no one will...

But I need strength for tomorrow...

I need You, Lord... I need You...

Finals + Expectations + Laziness

Aitez (All right + ritez=Aitez), finals is this monday... Yup you can ask me the typical question and this is most likely how I'll answer...

You : Wah~! Monday exam liao leh~!!

Me : Yea... Scared ho?

You: Ya loh~! You read liao la??

Me : Nope...

You : Wah~! Don't bluff la... You didn't read? Later see see you get 2.3 ++ ar~!

Me : Bluff you for what?

You : Then how?

Me : Shun kei zhi yin la...

You : Geng lo~! I read blah blah blah liao lo...

Me : Ooo...

You: You not worried meh?

Me : Yea

You: then?

Me : like that lo...

Lol... Probably Esther and my mom(if she ever finds out and reads the blog that is) will kill me for this... Haha~! ok ok fine... I admit.. I did a little bit of studying and no more... My brain just keep repelling all the things that I have read out... I have no idea why? Too casual this time... Well, like Aaron puts it... Going into exam with and by faith... Lol... Nah... I have a few reasons...

One is expectations.. Lately I have been reacting to stress in a different way... Super appetite is still there but I think I have adopt a new approach... Sleep... zzz... I know... Bad stuff... Sometimes, I will think of my mom's expectations and then the next thing I know, I am sleeping... By the time I woke up, I wasted my time already... Then I think of finals and the what-ifs if I can't get the result I want... I look at the amount of work to be done and then I just zzz... Sleep and sleep... Man~! I have no idea... I am a pig... =.=''' ... Whatever it is, I have to get rid of this approach... Hate to be this way... I want to be able too study and get the result I want~!!!!

The next thing is laziness... BAd stuff again~! I always known I am lazy but I think I have taken it to new heights and I really have to slap myself... OR let Esther slap me to wake me up... Nothing hurts more than your gf slapping you... Lol... Boy oh boy, I am sinking into deeper holes... Jesus pull me back up~!!!

Ok... Isaiah Saw, stop whining and get back to work~! If you don't... Well... Esther will slap you~! lol... ok... with this, I shall concentrate... and full authority to Esther Loh Xin Wey for slapping me if she finds out I am slagging off...

p.s I miss you(definitely not the reason I can't study ya? XP) and love you..

You...

Ok... Let's see how my brain juices of appreciation are flowing as I wanna tell someone how special they are... OK... This person's name starts with an E and ends with a R... The name has 6 words in it and it rhymes with star... Haha~! It's a no-brainer question right?? Lol... Ok... The name basically means star and as said already, it rhymes with star... For me, she is the star of my heart... always shining through the dark sky in my heart... Lighting up my nights... And by the way, do you know stars shine during the day too?? Haha~! So here it is... the name is :

E - Extraordinary
S - Special
T - Top
H - Hot
E - Ever-shining
R - Radiant

star of my life... haha~! that's you, Esther Loh... None other than you!


Haha~! IT's 25 Jan already... And tho you may think it's not that important but actually it is... without 25 Jan, there won't be an Esther Loh... Without 25 Jan, there won't be this star in my heart... XD ... And I am lucky to have this star...

Happy birthday girl...May you shine ever more brightly for God and the people you love, Esther Loh... The Star that will shine brighter than any other... =) ... My Star..

I am sorry for being late but I miss you...

As of today, I am officially late for 24 days... Very late... Perhaps late for 19 years as well... I just found out... I just found out that I missed you so much, grandma... I am sorry for being so late... So selfish and so forgetful... How can I ever forget? I am so foolish... Grandma Grandma... You have left us since a year ago... I didn't felt much back then... Yes I was sad but I am just happy you are at a better place now... A place called Heaven... But as CNY draws closer... I feel like crying... I feel the usually red, fabulous, noisy, food-y and happy CNY is lacking something... It's you, grandma...


Grandma, you wouldn't know how much we'd miss you... We may not admit it... But we really do... The house is empty... You are not there to cook good food for us... You are not there to tell us stories... You are not there to talk to me... You are not there... This CNY, I cannot hear you opening your room's door early in the morning... Cannot hear your slow footsteps going into the kitchen to boil water to prepare for us coffee for breakfast... Cannot hear you greet me "ah boy, cho san(cantonese for good morning)! Sek cho chan la(eat breakfast la)!"... I just miss that...I really do... I wish... Just wish I can see your smile... Grandma...



Grandma, leaving us was inevitable... She was suffering with terrible diabetes for years. And this time, she was attacked by cancer and other stuff... I was not fully given the details but what I know, it was something related to the intestines, uterus and digestive systems... All 3 at once... Imagine the suffering that she had to went through... But even before all this happen, being the diabetes carrier has already been such a pain for her... But still, despite all this, she continues to give her best to her children and grandchildren... She love me a lot... I love her too... Maybe not as much... Maybe a little too late...



I remember when I was little... Grandma will tell me a lot of stories... (even my mom dunno grandma had been sharing these stories with me cos both of us will stay up late at night and talk about a lot of things...)... *sigh*... But I can't remember most of them... And even if I do, I can only remember vaguely... I am not a filial grandchild... Sorry... Grandma stays in Kuala Kangsar and me, Taiping... So we have little time to bond but she would always make full use of time when we meet... You know, grandma is an expert in making CNY cakes and kuihs?? The kuih ka pek? Wow~! That was the most awesome kuih ka pek that I ever tasted... Seriously~! But somewhere down the line, grandma stopped making them because she doesn't have the energy anymore... Her body grew not one second younger but older... Weaker... I miss those kuih ka pek... And and her rice wine~! Fantabombaawesomelous~!!!I remember I first tasted her rice wine when I was 15 or so... It was also the first time she made rice wine in like a long time... It was just heavenly... By the way, it's non-alcoholic if you wanna know...



It was a cold November evening or so when my mom picked up the phone and was told by my aunty that grandma was not feeling well... She was at work and I was at school for some scout den cleaning up... So when I went home and got the news, there was this bad feeling... I think my whole family did... It was... time... She has been battling long enough... Even the strongest warriors need rest... It was time for her to go home... The last time when she was able to get out of bed was early December or somewhere there... I was still busy with early Christmas celebrations... And it was in these times that she accepted the Lord Jesus... Maybe she knew her time was now to be reconciled with the Lord... She was a strong buddhist who wouldn't be moved... But maybe she has seen the light and truth... She needed security which only God can give... And I am glad she did... God loves you, grandma... =)... It was her first Christmas, I believe... But it was also her last......


Before she 'went' on her journey home, she told my mom and aunties that she wanted to celebrate the new year... We all thought that it was CNY... Since she is not one who will celebrate Jan 1 like most of us do...Since we thought it was CNY, to celebrate it was totally mission impossible given her current state... Bed ridden, can't chew and talk properly.... How long would she last... How long does she need to suffer??? It wasn't fair... But... On Jan 1 2008, she left us... She... celebrated the new year... She stepped into the new year on time... Her wish was granted... When I got the news, I stood tall and still because grandma said... "A man has to be strong in will and might to protect others"... But grandma... my heart cried... My heart longs for your voice... I cannot imagine that... you would have leave us... But you... you told me to stand tall... So I will... For you... For you...


I am sorry grandma... Sorry that I can't show you my beloved girlfriend, Esther... Sorry that I had not been paying attention to your stories and advices... Sorry for not loving you more... Sorry for not spending more time with you... Sorry... for being so late to realise that... Grandma... I miss you... Enjoy your life in Heaven... =) ... God is with you.... I am glad...


p.s A man has to be strong in will and might to protect others... I will always remember it... Thanks, grandma... I love you...

As these tears streamed down...

Sitting here, at Adrian's house, of all places, at 1.17am, cold and quiet, with "and I hate you so" playing through the speakers, I opened up my eyes and heart to read... Yup... It was my Serdang Pop Girl's blog... And boy oh boy, all kinds of lightning, waves, thunder, hammer, and all those things you only see it in television like laser beams, light saber, super plasma blasters, all came shooting and hitting me as every word go deep down here *points to the heart....


Well, I was prepared for a long post because you titled it "My love story with an Arsenal boy (yes is LONG but I DON'T CARE)"... And because I have read your long posts before... I know you really mean it when you say LONG... lol... XP ...


Reading that post made me realise that... you truly are a very special girl... Made me realise that yea... Arsenal boy, you'd better appreciate her or I'll beat you up... OK, it doesn't make sense if I beat myself up, but you get the idea... I cannot control my smile... It's just from one of the cheek to the other end of the other cheek... And guess what... My tears streamed down too...


Just the other day, you asked so passionately about football and Arsenal... And you even read the blog on Arsenal which I recommended.. You even got frustrated when you can't watch Arsenal on PPStream... You practically researched about Arsenal before I even told you wonderful stories about this great club... When others would look at me in this way : O.o or =.=''' whenever I get passionate about Arsenal... NO... Not you... You even know Vieira (a true Arsenal legend) before I told you who he is... You wanted to know so much about my life, my passion and... my heart... You walked so long and hard and waited agonizingly for sure to open this door... Surely, you did.. Opened up this chained door to my heart... You didn't need the key... Because you are the key...
Not many would do all this for his/her loved one... XD I am extremely grateful and happy... Because... You actually wanted to be a kaki bola... Not many girls are like that... Special... Just... special...


"At the end... This korean classic drama ( You mentioned it xD ) just happened.. During tuesday , I thought of just acting normal to you , and try to avoid from having eye contact with you... But you... never avoid nor afraid of me... yet still being close to me. LOL Funny thing was , we can still talk and talk and talk non stop as usual xD Then ... later on... you approved our relationship. I felt surprised , and shock... that you actually willing to accept me as your girl." she wrote...



Yea... It was korean classic drama... Girl A help guy court girl B who happen to be one of her best friends, guy fall for girl A realising that she was the one he wanted... You know... That kind of cheesy things you get in korean dramas... Happened to us both... LOL... Of course, together with herself (me included) and all our friends... we were indeed surprised but we got together... By the way not much of an approval... But an agreement... for this...

"We don't need any puppy love ,we want something different..something calm yet meaningful and decent.Together with a maturity mind about love,we make things easier.. and slowly... walked together... not thinking about just normal boyfriend and girlfriend.. but more about appreciating someone that we love , someone that catches your heart... No uncertain promises , no bluffing sweet talks...but just the real feelings...step by step we go through every moments we had. " she wrote..


Word by word, true to the heart... Pop girl just manages to say things that I intend to but just don't know how to say it... I say, she make a good secretary... LOL... Anyway, XP ... yea... like she said... Step by step... Slowly but surely... More and more everyday... IN love...


But truly... Sometimes Pop girl can be real silly... Look what she wrote~!


"That's the deepness that can't be seen through the surface. And I am sure both of us understand well that being in love is easy but to maintain a relationship is never the easiest.Not everyone tend to understand and realized about this ,but we did, for after what we had been through. As we both know clearly than anybody else does,that both of us appreciated each other so much,till we never wish to hurt each other.I do not dare to say forever... because I was not certain about our future... yet I can only promise you that I will stay beside you as long as I can , until.. it is time for you to leave... I'll let you go without any pain.Peacefully,and blesses you with my prayers and love ... till the end of my day. "



Ok... I was touched... I mean... I still am... And trust me, I can't stop reading this post... I need to get some sleep for presentation tomorrow... Erm... *ahem... Where was I?? Ahhh yes... I totally broke down when I read this...It's true that forever will hurt... It's true that the future is not certain... But I just want to say this...


"You don't have to let me go... Because I won't go..."


Why would I go when I found someone so special? As the tears streamed down... and as I prepare to venture into dreamland... I seal you in here and lock the door with you in the inside of my heart... Good night... ^^

One Happy Ending Please? Part 2

Isaac opened the letters stacked up on the table one by one. While tearing the tip of the letter, he glanced around the house. Dirty clothes and books were thrown everywhere. The house smelled from his odour and it was stuffy. The floor hasn't been swept or mopped. Sticky isn't even the word to describe it anymore. His house was utterly, ridiculously, absurdly, beyond-words-ly dirty. Who cares, anyway? He didn't even bother thinking of cleaning it. He took out the paper in the envelope and began to read...

"Dear Isaac,

We are sorry for your loss..."


Most of the letters were more or less written with these words. Uncontrollably, his tears began to flow. It was just five months into their marriage. They were having a baby. He was getting a promotion. Their future was bright. But it was all gone... In all one swoop, in one incident, in one unfortunate accident.


It was an usually bright day in London. Isaac's heart was leaping with joy that day when he got the news from his boss that he was being considered to be promoted to the position of Finance Manager. He took out his cellphone and dialed to his wife.

"Come on, pick up pick up.... Hel..hello? Laura?? Honey??" he said excitingly.

"Yes honey?? I am driving now... Is this important?" she asked.

"Oh yes... Boss just told me that I will have a...." he tried to tell her when the phone suddenly went dead.

And it came to this point... Where he had no hope in life. His life went from top of the world, to the bottomest pit of pits. Shattered, broken... Since then, his career took a nose dive. From being promotion hopeful to being a disheartened worker. He got fired 2 months ago. With no income, his bills were piling up but he was numb to it. He didn't bother or care. He felt empty.... He felt all these meaningless... He turned colder and colder and colder as his heart yearns for Laura's voice again.

Then the door bell rang...

One Happy Ending Please? Part 1

He strolled through the rain without an umbrella. He just loves how the rain drops fall onto his skin... They tingle his senses, and the tiny drops that hit his skin kind of helped cover his pain in the heart a bit. He also loved that occasional violent gush of wind, it makes him... 'fly' if he could put it that way. If he could just fly and fly till he sees his problems no more, he thought... As he walked slowly on that narrow pathway, suddenly, the rain drops ceased from hitting his skin. He looked up and saw a transparent umbrella, shielding him from the rain.

"Are you silly? You got wet all over. Here, let's share this," the one with the umbrella said.

He stopped his footsteps prompting the stranger to stop as well. He turned around to see the stranger.

"Oh... Thank you... But I love the rain drops... It's ok, have it for yourself," he said to her with a weak smile.

"Are you crazy? Seriously... You will catch a cold!" she answered in exasperation, and continued with a stern look, "I insist..."

He looked at her determination and gave in. After all how often do you get an offer to be shaded by a stranger? They strolled slowly, without a word. Finally, they came to a cafe and decided to have a cup of coffee while awaiting the rain to stop.

He kept staring out the window and saw a blur reflection of himself. He looked tired, dull and the radiant that once surrounded him, gone. The stranger, unable to stand the silence finally said, "Hi. I believe we have not properly introduced ourselves... I am Esta Rui." And she gave him the broadest smile she could muster.

"Oh.. Hi... Isaac Kay... Erm.. E.S.T.H.E.R Rui?" he said

"Oh no... Not with the H.E.R, but it's spelt E.S.T.A. It's Latin," she said with a bit of annoyance because people keep getting her name wrong.

Isaac nodded and returned to his aimless staring. Esta rolled her eyes and wondered what's wrong with this man. She offered him shelter, coffee and conversion, and all he does is stare stare and stare... Is there nothing else he can do? Maybe a little bit of appreciation would do for her. Strange man...


The coffee quenched the gloomy thirst and the rain stopped. Isaac hurriedly excused himself to go home. He needed to be alone. As he walked away in huge paces, Esta looked at him, startled and lost. And indeed, her 'strange man' label on him was right... He do look sad tho...

"Ahh... Jerk... He didn't even say thank you~!" she exclaimed...

The Lord sees and works

In times like these, we all know that one answer to all our questions now belong to Him. The Lord sees and works... For whatever reason that these people had done these terrible things, may God open up their blinded eyes and deaf ears... They do not know what they are doing... Certainly, the big shots might play a part in this... How would the mob turn up if it wasn't allow? Not words we want but action against this injustice... but what now? The world was never fair... Justice is with God for He is justice... He will judge...

So I urge you all to stay cool and be patient... Pray continually for the churches and our people... To fight fire with fire is foolish and God also says to love thy enemies... We are not people who loves violence, we preach love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control...So please walk in what we preach because we do not want to be hypocrites... Be angry for only a few moments but rejoice because God is hope and peace and joy...


If you ever walk in the streets and being asked if you are a Christian or not, say yes... Do not be afraid and do not be ashamed... Make the Lord proud... If He is with us, who can stand against us?

If...

If you have been a lost wanderer in the vast land,
looking for a place where you belong,
thirsting for a life you dreamt of,
You will wait no more.




If you have been through so many harsh journeys,
trying to find the meanings of your shortcomings,
crying over misunderstandings,
You will do no more.



If you have walked through the storm,
and sailed through the rough seas,
battling the waves alone,
You will fight alone no more.



If you have cried in the rain,
Misunderstandings and dark clouds filled your life,
Trying to find that sunshine,
Look no more.


If life is all dark and dull,
let me a chance to fill it with colours and smiles,
And draw the rainbows as the dark clouds go away,
let me a chance to be lost with you in love land,
go through the harsh journeys with you,
sail through the seas,
and protect you from the storms,
for as long as I can...

Missing Directions With the Serdang Pop Girl...

-note: ** means monologuing... XP-


Hmm... Where to start?? Ok.. Let's start off with how we first met... It was June 1, 2009... First day in a new city, a new uni, a new life... Terrified? A little bit because it's time to face reality... Lol... Harsh reality... And I wasn't expecting much... Simply because there's nothing much to expect... Uni is definitely a totally different thing from high school... To start off with the day, I went to the wrong class... =.=''' not the best thing to do on the first day and that made me late for my real class... Went in and saw a bunch of people inside... I analysed and thought "lol... they look friendly... or at least they seem to be..." ... Your hair was long and curly back then... Haha~! And never ever will I thought that we could be such close friends...


**I don't really remember the first time we chatted... Hmm... It was something regarding Adrian right? Haha~! Then somehow, after the heart numb nightmare, we got even closer... I guess, I owe you one... Since then, you took care of me a lot... Care for me a lot and it was fun hanging out with you.... It was great eating the food you cook.... XP... Love it a lot...


This Serdang Pop Girl... When she knew about my health, she went a pit panicky... When she knew I lost my wallet, she offered to accompany me to make my IC... Lolz... Of course, I'd say yes... XP... Since she is.. i mean... was my jie... haha... That day, when we went out to make that darn IC, we talked so much and was so into talking and gossiping (LOL~!) that we actually lost our directions!!

"blah blah blah blah... eh... turn left or right?" I said.

"blah blah blah blah... huh? right gua... ei? didn't we pass by here?" she said.

You get the idea...

** You know looking back, I kinna like the feeling when we are 'lost'... We didn't panic and yet keep talking and talking and laughing and laughing... Somehow, we would find our way out of that dreadful PJ Sentral... haha! Lost and with you... Hmm... nice feeling eh? XP


Then came the night of the countdown... Well, we were just fooling around and became a day bf/gf... Well, it was in this time we grew much closer than ever before... That funny feeling was there... I think we both chose to ignore that feeling... We both continued to live in denial, if you can put it that way... But somewhere somehow we would be together... YOu know, that kind of feeling... XP


** In any case, after that night, many things went through my head... Tossing around the bed and getting up for no reason in the middle of the night... Keep thinking and thinking... but don't want to acknowledge it... remember when we chatted in MSN the other day? and remember the pm which says wondering what it means? Lol... I was actually wondering about us... XP... And yea... shocked at the development of today but very the happy about it~! XP...



I remember we were quite quiet or maybe just her? She didn't "like" nor leave a comment at any of my posts that day... Were you thinking too? XP... I wonder...


And quite a number has asked the same old question of why... So I guess I feel obliged to answer it here... Yea... I am not a guy good at understanding my own emotions... I don't really know what struck me even if it's just in front of me... When most people already know that pop girl likes me, I still think that you guys are thinking too much~! LOL... But in the end... The person who I've been looking for is just right there before me... You can call me a liar, a cheat or a playboy... Honestly, I don't care... Emotions are crazy little things... When it strucks you, you can't avoid it... If it would happen to you, you would be doing what we are doing now too...


**Like you said it, pop girl... We don't care what others think... Spending our moments together as long as we can...


Unexpected things happen anywhere and anytime... Love is the thing that is most surprising as well... Sometimes it's too fast... Sometimes too slow... Sometimes too confusing but all in all it's beautiful... I think because of past experiences, we would be taking this a bit easier... Step by step... My Serdang Pop Girl... Hahaha~! You'll never know how happy this blur guy is to have you as his special one.. And sorry... You waited so long... XD... Esther... I love you...





Yes... As long as we can...

A strange New Year + New Year Resolutions

All right to start off with a New Year by celebrating the countdown in The Curve was already a new thing for me... Never before the I have been in a countdown and with so many people spraying 'snow' at each other... zzz... Somehow it was strangely quiet in such a crowded place but I am glad we avoided the really 'happening' places... I don't want to be sprayed at, at the face... OK... I admit... I did get sprayed at the face by Adrian but hey at least not by a stranger... LOLZ...
And the countdown wasn't much of a countdown... I kept wondering what happened to the good old " 10... 9...8..7...6...5"... erm... you get the idea.. But at least the fireworks were amazing...

Still it was a strange New Year... Even with the crowd,it was awfully quiet to me and there's no New Year feel this time around... In any case... it's still the New Year so like many other times resolutions are the things that come into my mind...

Hmm... New Year eh? so as to say, everything starts anew so here's my resolutions...

1) Grow and be a better man for God, family, friends and people I love...

Yup... One is enough... I can already get many things from that one resolution... Hopefully, 2010 will be a challenging and fruitful year... Bring it on~!