Defeated at Maxwell Hill... (darn it!)

Went mountain... er... I mean hill trekking today... It was the first time in a year since I came back to conquer this hill yet again... I was confident that I will make it to the top today... I was sure that this will probably take my mind of the things that happened to me for the past few days... WRONG! So wrong... Today I found out about a very dreadful thing... My worst nightmare... I guess you can call it that... My heart... It was pumping faster than usual and pounding my chest, literally... And that was half way up the hill... Maybe it's just that I haven't been exercising for a while or it's the coffee that 's acting up... But never ever ever in my life that my heart will beat so hard and fast... So I sat down and I guess blood was rushing to my head... I could feel my arteries beating to the same beat of my heart... Nearly blacked out but thank God for Kok Yaw... He was there... Kept me company even though I asked him to carry on climbing with the others... Then my hands grew numb and I know I cannot sit any longer... So I told him that I was gonna go back down... And hence.. For the first time... I am defeated at Maxwell Hill... Maybe it's no big deal... Maybe I can do it again one day but I doubt it now... Maybe... I should've gone for the scan... Darn it... Darn it all...



I was scared and my first reflex would be taking up the phone and text to her about it... But when I took out the phone... I realize... "She's not with me anymore..."... And so I kept my phone again... I was so angry with myself... WHY I CAN'T JUST GET OVER IT??? Maybe like people said... It's gonna take time... Well, I hope not too long! Then they said wanna go swimming... So okiez.. I agreed hoping that this will definitely take my mind off here... And when I reach that place... The moment I stepped into the water... Yes... YOu guessed it right... I thought about her again... Because our second date was at the water fall in Kampar.. This is a swimming pool tho but I could actually see her... So afraid of the water... Wading so carefully, and cute... How I missed that moment... How I wished that I could just turn back time... Not to change anything but just to see... See that lovely smile... And her cute clumsiness in the water... ISAIAH!! SNAP OUT OF IT NOW!!!!! And I managed to pull myself together again...


Today... I wonder... How she is doing... I cannot muster the courage to text her a message... No... I can't... I cannot muster the courage to send her the pics that I used to do... No.. Because... She's not with me anymore... I hope she will be taking a good rest today... Maybe take a day off... Go pak to or do anything she likes... Maybe... Maybe... I was hoping... No... I am hoping that... She will remember me here... Hah... Big deal, Isaiah... Can't you just move forward? Well.. Can I just dwell here a lil longer... I don't want those images to disappear... I don't want her smile to disappear in me... No... I can't... I couldn't just let it all fade away... She... means... so much to me... Yes.. It was short but... I... still... Love her... Perhaps she is too...



And so because of these thoughts, I punished myself.. I skipped lunch... Well... never good to harm your body like that... I know... I really hope that I won't be defeated again... So... I understand now that from being very important to important to less important to fade away... Because it hurts both sides... One for being neglected, the other for letting go the memories and feelings... Lord.. please help her to forget all this pain...


p.s. I will always love you... Please... Just be happy... Forget about me... I hope you are doing so... Though you will never ever get to read this blog...