Useless!!!!

USELESS!! CAN"T EVEN RECOGNIZE THE ROAD TO THAT RESTAURANT? HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU DRIVE A CAR???

Exact same words that mom said to me this morning... I thought today will be a better day than yesterday... But no... So we were going for breakfast this morning and I accidentally took a wrong turn to the wrong restaurant... And another wrong turn again before going to the correct restaurant... Mom suddenly became so furious... I don't know what to say or how to react... Perhaps she's right... Right that I am useless... Cos I can't even drive to that restaurant... So how am I gonna survive in this world? I don't know... I think I just can't, sometimes... But God says He will carry me through..

After that, I came home... I cried... Gosh! I cried... Again... I hate this... I hate all of it... I blamed mom for reacting like this... I blamed that if she always randomly give me rants and stuff, how am I share what is in my heart? And there she is complaining that I don't talk to her anymore... Mom.. It's not that I don't want to talk to you but... I really don't know how to... I am not that small boy anymore... I am not what I was when I am 13... I've grown, mom... I know how to see things, how to intepret things... I know what is going on around me, CLEARLY... Mom... You didn't open up to me about dad even after numerous occasions when I try to talk about him... All your answer is he's a bad guy... So... Tell me , MOM! Tell me... How am I gonna share things with you when you can't share things with me? You are all I have left on this stinking earth and it breaks my heart because I can't even talk to you... Mom... I can't even tell you that I had a gf... I can't even tell you that I broke up.. I can't even let you see that my heart is broken... I can't... Because... I know how are you gonna react... I know what you are gonna say... Mom... You are wrong... You may have lots of knowledge but God controls everything... You maybe a smart woman but God can take it away... You are wrong that I can be like you when I just want to be myself... But mom... I still love you... I just hope you can just realize that I need more than a mom now... I need a friend... I am sorry... But please don't put high hopes on me... I just want to be normal... Because I know I am useless...


And yes... I better ask for forgiveness because... Yes.. I blame God... I blame that He can't give me a complete family... I blame Him for letting me go through heart breaks after heart breaks... I blame Him for not... Not letting me be... with her... I blame Him... But I also realize that by doing so, it's a training ground for me to reach out to the people who are and will be experiencing the same thing... I know that... I understand... But... It's unfair... But the world is unfair as well... Who am I to complain? Who am I to judge? Who am I to blame??? So I can only blame myself... For not putting enough efforts in doing all these things... I can only blame myself because I blame God when He knows best... and yes... What Dawn jie says is true... God has never promised a smooth path... Never promised that peace is without pain... I maybe useless in some people but I am useful in the Lord... Wrong timing? perhaps... Tis... is the very first time I had been serious about a relationship... And I think... it's just a trial for us to go through... At least, that's what I hope it is...

I remember my pastor saying, if God wants you to leave her, would you do so?? I said yes... Immediately in fact.. And so, now I have done it... I have done my part and I have obeyed... I just hope that things will go the right way... This heart.. Can only be healed by God alone... Lord... Forgive me...