You know... The trip back to that place was very unhappy at first... When you are a failure and you are gonna face your worst failings again... How would you feel? That's my feeling... Very bad... Very sad... That's why I chose to camp out at first... I know I may sound stupid but it's hard to face it all... Again and again... Especially places where our memories lie... Places where the smiles light up the whole town... Oh well... Life's like that huh? Things can be there for one minute and gone the other... In the end, I ended up caught by her and was erm... persuaded would be nice word... to stay in her aunt's house...
The first day was a bad day... I heard her going out of the house at 6... I couldn't sleep that night... Sad I guess... Still unable to digest everything that had happened... somehow... I was hoping that she would enter the room... To wake me up just like old times... But it remained a hope... A vain hope... Things are different now... Very much different... I get out of bed after she left and talked with her aunt's dog... (yes... I was THAT depressed but I love Ah Boy(the dog)... Very much... The best dog I ever seen in my life...) He was caring... In a way... I patted him softly and brushed his fur... He lie down still... Ears down, as if he was feeling how I feel... And I told him, "Ah boy... Could be the last time here d... Take care of your master ya? And also her... Be a good boy ya?"... And I went back into my room for some sleep.... That morning, she arranged breakfast for me with bro D... We talked a lot and he told me this... "Don't simply make promises.Even the Bible says that the person who simply makes promises is a fool." I was stunned to say the least... Cos, I just realized I made many promises and was unable to fulfill them...
Then it was time for YF... He was there... He was sharing today... Sorry to say but I felt nothing... He was invisible... I don't even want to look at him. She was his translator for that day... They make a good team... I thought... But I really couldn't look at them for even one second... Hurt, disgusted, depressed, hatred... All filled my heart... I kept praying that God will set me free... That God will give me an open heart to accept all of this... That night... I thought a lot again... After seeing her... Well, at least... She is not under pressure in her relationship... At least not like when she was with me... Always pressured by my selfishness... At least it's ok... She is with a more matured man... She was tired that night... And I told her to sleep early... For the very last time... I gave a kiss on her forehead...
Sunday morning... It was gloomy... I brewed coffee for the two of us... I think... It might be the last time too... Drinking coffee together... After service, I joined the church meeting for a while, then sneaked out to yam cha with her before I head back to PJ... She brought him along... Am fine with it... They discussed about her mom's birthday plans... Am fine with it as well... I envy them... Haha! Good life I guess...But deep down... I could see... They are under persecution by many... Hope they can last... Hope the people who are persecuting them now can see their sincerity in each other... We had a heated discussion about the church... Something I don't think I can or want to reveal... Before I left, I asked whether he was going for the camp... She said yes... I was stunned to say the least but am fine... Why was I stunned? Well... It all comes back to promise... We were suppose to watch the stars together there... Well, at least one last time... I prayed for my midterms to not be on Week 7 which is the week for the camp and God answered the prayer... No assignments were even due that week... And I will be honest... I am skipping classes for this as well... So... In the end... This happened... Alone watching the stars I guess... But she has a reason... And God has His reasons... I see it now... God wants me to go to the camp to serve Him and win souls for Him and not to please someone...
On my way back here in PJ.. I decided that it was time... To let go... Really let go... It has been a hard journey but I am not with her now... But I know... GOd will take care of her... Surely, He will love her more than I do... I wouldn't say that I do not love her now... I still do but to let go is to love sometimes...And from now on, my memoirs of smile will not of somebody's lovely smile. But will be of everybody's... One thing I learned is that it takes a person's smile to light up my heart but it takes everybody's smile to light up my world... Now, I just don't wish that my world is revolved around just one person... But to every person I know, I love and I care... Even to those I just met... I want my world to be revolved around them... It takes one person paint a colour but it takes everybody to paint a rainbow... And they are my rainbow...
I don't want to just keep remembering somebody's smile... I want to keep remembering everybody's smile... From mama's to papa's to my uncles' and aunties' and couzies'... From Adrian's, to Kun's and Andrew's, to Esther jie's to Jia Yi's to Yinfy's and to the whole of UTAR friends... From old friends back in Taiping and not-so-new friends in Kampar, to my CF members and to new and coming soon friends... Their smiles... Will be the source of my smile... Thanks guys and girls... I really appreciate you all.... hence... Memoirs of Everybody's Lovely Smiles...
p.s Will pray for a better life for you and him ya? Don't worry too much... God will take care of His church, His people and His works... Be passionate about everything you do... Bye...
Isaiah out...
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