Making peace with the past

"Here" was inspired by somehow a conversation with someone and my own myopic but long standing problems.

I was at the bridge once where choices about whether I should continue living in the past, giving up all that it is or venture into the future which is full of uncertainties.

I wouldn't lie. Thoughts of taking my own life did cross my mind once. It was deplorable and a strong blasphemy to what I believe in, to everything I ever stood for and to all who believed in me. If I were at the courts in the heavenly realms, I could picture His disappointment and sadness over what I had done. And I'm ashamed about it.

You see, the past makes a good enemy but at the same time a good friend. It depends on what your past is and how you wish to remember it.

All my life though, whether I'd like to admit or not, living within the past was what I've been doing. I'd choose to blame what is happening in the now to what had happened in the past. I know it's stupid and by all means, sickening to always moan and groan about it.

When those thoughts were slowly persuading me, the question popped into my mind.

"Who are you?"

or rather, "Who am I?"

I think it's somewhat a mantra now. That I believe, behind every smile is a sad tale.

I think I've beaten up myself and God, for that matter, to the point where pain is not the sensation anymore.

He reminded me though, that it didn't mattered how bad or good I've journeyed in my life up until this point. It did matter however, how I would want to continue my journey afterwards.

The past, when it serves its purpose right, would be the best reminder, challenger, and teacher.

There isn't much good in my past but there were very memorable moments too. I cannot simply throw or hide them away in some corner because... ultimately... they are a part of me. They made me who I am today.

I made myself promise that I wouldn't let it be my obstacle or excuse anymore. Instead I'll acknowledge it. That it made me into a better person and I just thank God for all that happened.

After all, we can only understand life better when we understand what happened in the past.

So who am I?

I am just a person with weak moments. But that doesn't mean I am fundamentally weak. Rather I'm just fundamentally human.

I am just a person relying on His strength and grace to continue hoping and pursuing for a better tomorrow.

I am just a person who made peace with my past.

I am just a person who at the end of my journey will hope to hear, "Well done My son" from Daddy above.